Il Etait Une Fois Francois Bonnefoy
by Operas'n'Cartoons1883
Summary: Inspired by the French cartoon "Once Upon a Time...Man", this is the story of Francois Bonnefoy. Warning: Contains character death in some chapters and England being a jerk in others.
1. Mother Gaul

**Episode 1- Mother Gaul**

**This is the story of Francois Bonnefoy. But to start things off we must go back to before France was born, all the way to his Mother Gaul.**

Over 2500 years ago, long before France was born, there lived a beautiful young lady, blond and blue-eyed, of average height, but slender. Her name was Mother Gaul.

Now, Mother Gaul was a powerful woman, with a love of good food, good drink, and of course, a good fight. Yes, those were the good old days of Gaul's youth.

This is a day in the life of Mother Gaul:

Now, before the days of the Romans, Gaul would get up at sunrise. Very concerned for her personal hygiene, she would take a bath in the morning. Then she would go into the family room to eat breakfast.

Mother Gaul also had two older siblings, her brother Germania and her sister Britannia, Germania being the eldest. They all lived together in a cozy little hut. There, in the kitchen, they had some breakfast.

"I say, Gaul," said Britannia. "What took you so long?"

Gaul then said to her older sister, "Why, you should know why. I needed to be well-groomed for the day, _non?_"

"Never mind that, Britannia," said Legolas. "Let us now have some breakfast."

And they all loved each other dearly.

Now, Mother Gaul was a nice girl, nice but superstitious. She worshipped the powers of nature, making up a god or goddess for such things as the sun, the sea, the thunder, the wind, the stars, and so on, and so forth. Her priests were called Druids, chosen for their intelligence. The Druids were divided into three classes: bards who sang of heroes and beautiful damsels, prophets who predicted the future, and high priests, the most powerful of the three classes, who made sacrifices to such gods as Toutatis, god of commerce.

Mother Gaul was also an agricultural woman who loved to grow crops. She invented the iron plough and even the reaper. But she would also pray to the gods that her crops would grow strong and that the sky would not fall on their heads.

At the end of the day, just before sunset, she would have a dinner feast with her brother and sister.

Now, it may come to light that Gaul and Britannia were not only sisters, but also best friends. At dinnertime, they would have some food or drink with each other and discuss the future.

"Dame Bretagne, do you know what will happen in the future?" Gaul would say.

"I say, I have no idea, eh, what?" Britannia would reply. "But when we marry strong warriors and have their children, I want those children to be friends with each other, just like us."

"You are a good woman, _Soeur Bretagne_."

However, it was Mother Gaul's warlike nature that made her a real terror to her more peaceful neighbors. She was especially fond of attacking the Roman Empire, aka Romulus Imperiosus. At one invasion, which occurred in 390 BC, she and her armies absolutely crushed the Roman armies.

Romulus woke up to the sound of screaming Romans.

"_Sole mio!_ What's going on!?" he asked one of the _soldats_. The _soldat_ responded nervously, "It's Gaul! Gaul has invaded your vital regions and crushed your army!"

"How do you know, young man?"

The _soldat_ gulped, "Look behind you."

Oh, you should have seen the look on Romulus's face when Gaul pointed her sword at him, shouting, "_Vae victis!_ Woe to the defeated!" Indeed Romulus was defeated, defeated by love for this beautiful yet strong woman. Even if he had to fight for hundreds of years, he would triumph over Mother Gaul.

In the second century BC, Romulus took over the Greek port of Massila and set up a province in what is now Provence. It was called Aquae Sextiae and it brought him closer to the ever-rebellious Mother Gaul.

Then beginning in 58 BC, Julius Caesar, Romulus' leader at the time, decided that Gaul needed to be conquered. So, Romulus and Mother Gaul fought for another eight years.

Towards the end of what came to be known as the Gallic Wars, Gaul got herself a new leader, Vercingetorix, who united the Gauls against a mutual enemy, Romulus and Caesar. Sure, Vercingetorix suffered a defeat at Avaricum due to a downpour (like I said before, Mother Gaul did not want the sky to fall onto her head), but he did lead Gaul to a victory in Gergovia. Neither Romulus nor Caesar would accept that defeat, so they chased Vercingetorix into a small Gallic village called Alesia.

There, at Alesia, the Romans surrounded the Gauls in a sort of giant donut shape around the city and thus blocked out any aid coming to the Gauls. After several weeks, the Gallic warriors began losing their morale and Vercingetorix was forced to throw his arms at the feet of Caesar. And throw them _onto_ Caesar's feet he did! You should have seen Caesar's face as he screamed in pain and jumped from his seat, hopping off in search of "fresh conquests".

Yes, all Gaul was officially conquered after this "melancholy" ceremony. But Caesar abandoned his violent measures towards Gaul and the conquered tribes were obliged to pay 40 million setertii. The wisdom of this policy soon became apparent. Gaul had become one of Romulus' many sexual partners. And Mother Gaul would bear Romulus three children, Belgium, baby Monaco, and, of course, France.

**Coming up next, France's dad, Rome.**

**BTW, I would be lying if I said that this was not at least partially inspired by the French comic book series Asterix the Gaul.**


	2. Father Rome

**Episode 2- Father Rome**

**The Pax Romana, or the Gallo-Roman family. In which Francois Bonnefoy was born and lived his early childhood.**

Once the Gallic Wars were over, Gaul became a province of the Roman Empire himself. Over the next ten years, Romulus Imperiosus and Mother Gaul had three children: Belgium, France, and baby Monaco.

Francois Bonnefoy was himself born Caius Gallicus Imperiosus on July 14, 47 BC (706 AUC), France taking on his mother's looks. Belgium was born Bella Imperiosa in the year 50 BC (703 AUC), and baby Monaco was born Cecilia Imperiosa on January 8, 40 BC (713 AUC).

The city of Lugdunum, or what is now Lyons, was established in 43 BC and, under Emperor Augustus, became the Roman capital of Gaul. Yes, the Pax Romana really got to Gaul. But human sacrifice, which had been an integral part of the Druids' lifestyle, was officially banned, which meant that the Druids could not worship as they liked.

Even though Gaul was always fiercely independent, especially when Romulus tried to control her, her people became Roman quite rapidly, devoting themselves to agriculture and commerce. Roman influence was especially great in the south and east of Gaul, where gateways, aqueducts, arenas, and temples were built. And thus, Mother Gaul had truly become a Roman province.

Mother Gaul was a kind and devoted mother to her three children, and Romulus a kind but bumbling father. Although they would have arguments sometimes, mainly with Gaul still holding out against Romulus, they remained loving parents to the children, Bella, Gallicus, and Cecilia.

Now, by the time the Roman Empire reached his strongest, around 117 AD, Francois (or, Caius Gallicus, at the time) had obtained the looks and mindset of a 7-year-old boy. And for fun, he would often annoy his older sister Bella, who had the looks and mindset of a 10-year-old girl.

"Hey, Bella!" Gallicus would shout to his older sister. "Want to play hopscotch with _le tres bien moi?_"

"_Non,_" Bella would retort. "I am sewing, so you go back to your room and play with papa because he and maman are the only ones who care about you."

Gallicus would groan, "_Eh, bien,_ Bella. I will leave you alone." And he would storm back to his room.

But he had a soft spot for his baby sister Cecilia, and he, Bella, and Mother Gaul would rock her to sleep at night.

But Romulus Imperiosus himself had had other children with the women he dated. With Iberia, he had two sons: Spain (Antonius Imperiosus) and Portugal (Ludovicus Imperiosus). With Ancient Greece, he had Greece (Heracles Imperiosus). With Ancient Egypt, he had Egypt (Ptolemaeus Imperiosus). And with Britannia, Gaul's sister, he had four sons: Scotland (Caledonius Imperiosus), Wales (Owain Imperiosus), Ireland (Patricius Imperiosus), and England (Artair Imperiosus). He also had two adorable grandchildren through his grown Roman son. Those grandchildren were Romanus and Venetianus Imperiosus.

However, with so many wars going on between himself and the barbarian tribes, he could not visit all of his children very often, even though he loved them very much. So, he had an idea.

One day, he decided to bring a son from each of the women he dated and put him into military dress. The sons he selected were: Antonius, Heracles, Gallicus, Ptolemaeus, and Artair.

As he walked his five sons to the draft board, Romulus informed them, "Well, children, you're gonna learn plenty about the art of war. I'm gonna teach you how to pitch a tent, show you all about swordsmanship."

"_Tres bien, papa_," declared Gallicus with childlike delight.

"_Si_. And then I'm gonna show you how to fight," added the Roman father.

"_Ay, caramba, papi!_" exclaimed Antonius. "Maybe we'll kill a barbarian army!"

Finally, Romulus and his five sons entered the draft board towards the room where a legionary sat. "_Bene, figli_," he said. "_Bene,_ you will now give your names to the legionary. He will carve you down."

Heracles, the sleepy-looking 11-year-old Greco-Roman child, stepped up first. "Heracles Imperiosus, son of Romulus Imperiosus and Mama Greece, by Zeus."

Next up was little Artair, the 5-year-old Romano-British child. "Artair Imperiosus, youngest son of Romulus Imperiosus and Britannia, I say, what!"

Then came Antonius, the 12-year-old Ibero-Roman boy. "Antonius Imperiosus, eldest son of Romulus Imperiosus and Iberia."

"Eh?" asked the legionary, confused by Antonius' enunciation. "How is that chiseled?"

After Romulus clarified his eldest son's speaking, Ptolemaeus, the 6-year-old Romano-Egyptian boy, stepped up, speaking in hieroglyphics, the strange tongue of his mother.

Romulus translated it as, "Ptolemaeus Imperiosus, son of Romulus Imperiosus and Mama Egypt."

And finally, Gallicus stepped up and said, "Caius Gallicus Imperiosus, son of Romulus Imperiosus and Mother Gaul."

Just after Romulus' five boys had signed up for the Junior Army, Romulus shouted to his children, "_SILENZIO!_ NO JOKES! YOU'RE IN THE ARMY NOW!"

"YES, PAPA!" shouted the children as they stood at attention.

"Alriight, now follow me, boys. You're going for medical inspection to see if you're fit to make good soldiers."

"Yes, papa," said the boys in unison.

Well, after their medical inspection, you can bet your life that the children were deemed fit to make good soldiers, just like their father.

Then, Romulus took the boys to a fitting room. "And this is where you get your custom-made uniforms," he said as he showed them their outfits.

It's no surprise that the boys were eager to put on their uniforms.

After several hours of marching from the draft board, Romulus and his sons finally came to Romulus' military camp. There, he took them to his tent, around which he presented the boys some gifts.

"Now that we are at the military camp," he announced. "I shall bestow unto you some very special presents."

Each boy opened his box to reveal…a wooden sword! Romulus explained, "These wooden swords are for practice, so that way, when you see the enemy, then you will know what to do."

"_Gracias, papi!_" exclaimed Antonius, a happy child.

"_Efharisto, pater,_" remarked Heracles, the sleepyhead.

"_Merci beaucoup, papa!_" said Gallicus.

"Thank you, papa," Ptolemaeus, a usually quiet boy, said in hieroglyphics.

"Oh, I do say, thank you, father," declared Artair, who at that time was such a sweet boy.

"Now, I will be on my way to fight the barbarians," said Romulus. "Be one your best behavior, okay?"

"Yes, papa," said his sons in unison as they watched their father march into the battlefield.

And so, while their father was in the battlefield, Gallicus and Artair, who considered each other best friends, began to playfully fight each other with their wooden swords. As did Antonius, Heracles, and Ptolemaeus.

At the end of the day, Romulus returned from the battlefield to discover a surprise. Antonius was sharpening his wooden sword, Heracles was sleeping, Ptolemaeus was sitting quietly in the corner, while Gallicus and Artair were still fighting each other, albeit playfully.

Romulus then decided to break up the fight, telling them, "Boys, boys! Stop fighting, or else you might become enemies someday."

"_Oui, papa,_" said Gallicus.

"Yes, father," said Artair.

And the boys put down their swords. When Romulus saw the boys shaking hands in a truce, he remarked, "Well, boys will be boys." And he allowed Gallicus and Artair to sit on his lap.

"You know, Gallicus," remarked Artair. "I have quite the strangest feeling that our mothers were right. We shall always be the best of friends forever, right?"

"_Oui,_" Gallicus replied. "_Pour toujours_."

But ironically, the greatest event in the history of the Roman Empire was not any war at all. No, it was the spread of Christianity from an obscure town in Judea to the various provinces throughout the Empire. For those of you who don't know, Christianity is a religion that teaches that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and the Messiah that the Jews have been waiting for and missed.

Mother Gaul herself caught the Christian religion in 177 AD, when the first Christian church was built in Lugdunum. But beginning in 64 AD with Emperor Nero, Rome's worst emperors had persecuted the Christians in an attempt to rid the world of what they considered a minor cult that would never truly catch on. So it was not until 244 AD when the Christian faith truly spread through Gaul in spite of, or maybe because of, the mass persecutions under the emperor.

The Christian faith had such an impact on Gaul, that in three generations, she and her three children were baptized and embraced the new faith. And Gallicus' father Rome finally gave in to Christ in the year 313 AD, under Emperor Constantine. Romulus Imperiosus was finally baptized.

From then on, the Christian faith, no longer some "minor cult," would have an unparalled impact on the history of mankind.

**Coming up next, the barbarians invade and Clovis become king of the Franks.**

**BTW, I would be lying if I said that this was not at least partially inspired by the French comic book series Asterix the Gaul.**


	3. The Story of Clovis

**Episode 3- The Story of Clovis**

**In which Gallicus Imperiosus became an orphan and received his modern name, Francois Bonnefoy.**

As time went on, Romulus Imperiosus, although he loved his children, could not find the proper time to visit the children, often spending time with his grandchildren, Romanus and Venetianus, especially Venetianus. Unfortunately, this left the poor children and their mothers open to invaders who swept across Europe, including the Franks, the Visigoths, the Burgundians, and various other Germanic tribes.

In 400 AD, Legolas, Mother Gaul's own big brother, sent his armies charging towards the Gallic border of Rome. When a Gallo-Roman police officer saw all the tribes racing at once, he stopped them, crying out, "STOP! NOT ALL AT ONCE!" And Legolas stopped his armies. The Gallo-Roman officer then told the invading tribes, "Take your turn."

Then, in 410 AD, came the Vandals and the Visigoths, who bumped into each other while killing Iberia.

By 414 AD, Bella had become a 13-year-old girl, Gallicus a 10-year-old boy, and Cecilia not yet four years old. That year, Legolas also stormed into the Gallo-Roman household and said to the family, "All right, Gaul. What are you hiding?"

Gaul answered, "I am hiding nothing, Legolas."

The Germanic warrior retorted, "All right, then. I shall attack you!"

"But why, Legolas?" asked Gaul with fear in her voice. "Why would you attack me, your own little sister?"

Legolas did not answer, but instead, the barbarian whipped out his sword. Although he did not kill any of the children, he, with one swift blow to the chest, killed his own little sister, Mother Gaul.

All three of Mother Gaul's children were traumatized. But Gallicus was especially devastated because, although he had been to his father's military camp several times before, it was the first time he had seen death firsthand.

It was then and there when the poor boy started crying, tears running down his face. His big sister Bella showed some sympathy to him and told him, "Gallicus, I am sorry for lashing out at you all these years. I can make it up to you, really."

As a son of an empire who over a century ago converted to Christianity, he wondered if he would ever see his mother again.

Although Romulus was very well aware that his women were dying at Legolas' hands, he no longer wanted to fight and opted for peace. But there was no peace, especially since Atilla the Hun frequently invaded and destroyed various parts of the Roman Empire in the middle of the century.

As the 5th century AD dragged on, Romulus found himself beginning to weaken and weaken until finally in 476 AD, Legolas, having once been Romulus' bodyguard and brother-in-law, stabbed him right through the heart. Romulus Imperiosus was no more, and his children by Iberia and Mother Gaul, along with his purebred Roman grandchildren Romanus and Venetianus, were all on their own.

A few years after the Roman Empire breathed his last, the Christian bishops, who became Gallicus' caretakers, were trying to find a leader who would be able to adopt Gallicus and raise the orphan boy as his own.

"What shall we do about this boy?" they pondered. "He's an orphan and someone needs to adopt him."

"Hey, I've got an idea," said the oldest and wisest bishop, whose white hair and beard covered his entire body. "There is a young Frankish leader named Clovis. He became the King of the Franks just a few days ago at the age of 15. Can you believe that?! FIFTEEN! He seems like a promising father to our little Gallicus Imperiosus."

The bishops all agreed in unison, as did the orphan boy Gallicus.

Five years after he became king of the Franks, Clovis defeated Syagrius, the last Roman Governor of Gaul, and moved the capital of Gaul to Lutetia, which was renamed Paris after the Parisii tribe.

But the power of Clovis was disputed in some tribes. So, in 493 AD, he married Clothilda, a Burgundian princess who embraced the Christian faith, even though Clovis was himself a pagan. It was at that moment when Clovis and Clothilda adopted Gallicus Imperiosus as their own son.

At a ceremony, in the town square, Clovis and Clothida stepped up and Clovis announced, "This boy, Gallicus Imperiosus, is now our little boy." And there was much rejoicing. But the happiest of all was the little boy, Gallicus Imperiosus.

However, even after his adoption, things weren't always grand for little Gallicus. Often he would hear his adoptive parents arguing, mainly over religious matters.

Clovis would say to Clothilda, "Woman, I will not convert to your faith!"

But Clothilda insisted, "Oh, but you must convert."

"But WHY?!"

"Well, for one thing, I'm a Christian, Gallicus is a Christian, I'm expecting a child and I want him to be baptized, and we both insist that you turn to Christ."

"FINE! You baptize our child and spoil him too! But I will NOT CONVERT!"

At length, however, an incident occurred which would have an impact on Clovis' life and that of Gallicus. In 496 AD, Gallicus' uncle Legolas, the same Germanic man who killed Gallicus' real parents, sent some Alemanni warriors to attack the Franks.

"Come on, Clovis!" shouted Gallicus to Clovis. After Clovis turned his head to Gallicus, the latter corrected himself, "I mean, _papa._"

And so, Clovis and his adoptive son Gallicus found themselves in the battlefield, in a dangerous situation. Things were getting really bleak.

"What must I do, son?" Clovis asked Gallicus, feeling helpless from the dilemma.

Gallicus then suggested, "Maybe if you pray to the Christian God instead of relying on the pagan beliefs, _non?_"

Now, seeing his soldiers being slaughtered by the Alemanni, Clovis knew that there was no other way than to comply to the boy's suggestion. And so, he raised his hands to the heavens, and, weeping bitterly, he prayed:

"O Jesus Christ, you who as Clothilda tells me are the son of the Living God, you who give succor to those who are in danger, and victory to those accorded who hope in Thee, I seek the glory of devotion with your assistance: If you give me victory over these enemies, and if I experience the miracles that the people committed to your name say they have had, I believe in you, and I will be baptized in your name. Indeed, I invoked my gods, and, as I am experiencing, they failed to help me, which makes me believe that they are endowed with no powers, that they do not come to the aid of those who serve. It's to you I cry now, I want to believe in you if only I may be saved from my opponents."

After his prayer, both Clovis and Gallicus led the Frankish armies to victory in the Battle of Tolbiac. Legolas and the Alemanni, seeing that his leader had been slain, fled, and the Franks had triumphed!

In fulfillment of the vow he had made to God, Clovis had himself, his sister, and three thousand of his men, not to mention countless women and children, baptized with great pomp and magnificence in the temple at Rheims.

After his baptism, Clovis brought Gallicus, his adoptive son, up to the altar and announced with great joy, "This boy is Gallicus Imperiosus no more! He is now Francois Bonnefoy!" And there was much rejoicing. But the proudest of all was the boy kingdom now named Francois Bonnefoy.

Just after Clovis had been baptized as the only Catholic king in the West, he told the boy Francois, "Now, Francois, I have imposed some laws for the good of the people, and you, my boy, must carry them out as my little police officer."

"_Oui,_ Clovis," agreed Francois, and then corrected himself, "Er, I mean, _papa_."

"Now," Clovis read from his lawbook. "Whosoever killeth a Frankish warrior must pay ye therefore a fine of 200 sous. Whosoever killeth a Gallo-Roman soldier must pay ye therefore 100 sous. Whosoever killeth a pregnant woman must pay ye therefore 400 sous. Whosoever kidnappeth a married woman must pay ye therefore 100 sous. Whosoever starteth a fistfight must pay ye therefore 9 sous. Whosoever flirteth with a married woman must pay ye therefore 15 sous. Whosoever cannot pay the fine must be arrested." He closed the lawbook. "Understand?"

"_Oui, papa,_" Francois replied.

For the next 15 years, Francois served as Clovis' little police officer, spotting crime and fining criminals accordingly. Then in 509 AD, Clovis conquered Cologne, making Francois even stronger and more powerful.

Sadly for Francois, Clovis died in Paris on November 27, 511 AD, leaving his kingdom to his four biological sons. Once again, Francois Bonnefoy was all alone.

**Coming up next, Francois sees rulers come and go until Charlemagne comes to power.**


	4. The Days of Charlemagne

**Episode 4- The Days of Charlemagne**

**In which Francois Bonnefoy sees Clovis' descendants come and go until Charlemagne comes to power.**

After the death of Clovis in 511 AD, he divided his kingdom amongst his biological sons: Theodoric, Clodomir, Childebert, and Clotaire. But why drag on the boring adventures of a noble king and his worthy successors when we can move eastward?

Beginning in 677 AD, a new menace had sprung up from the east. His name was Arabia. You see, Arabia's faith was Islam, a faith that taught that Muhammad was the last prophet of God and which came from the Arabian Peninsula around 632 AD. By 698 AD, Arabia had invaded and conquered all of the North African countries, including Egypt, who was still a boy. In 711 AD, he also attacked a teenaged Spain and in four short years forcibly converted him to Islam.

By 719 AD, Francois Bonnefoy had obtained the looks and mindset of a 12-year-old boy and his golden hair had grown out a little bit. It was that year, however, when Arabia attacked him too, with the intent of forcibly converting him to Islam. Yes, the situation looked very bleak for poor Francois.

But the year before Arabia invaded, Francois had obtained a new leader, Charles Martel. This man would prove to be a strong leader for Francois, especially in those trying times.

So, in 721 AD, Charles Martel, in an effort to save Europe from Islam, allowed Francois to serve in the army just like Clovis did at Tolbiac.

Charles spoke to Francois, "Well, Francois, you're going to learn plenty about how to fight Muslims, _non?_"

"_Oui, Monsieur Martel!_" replied Francois.

For the next eleven years, Charles Martel trained an army to drive the Muslims out for France for good, his armies fighting a few battles and skirmishes with the Muslims, until finally, in 732 AD, Arabia came face-to-face with Charles Martel and Francois Bonnefoy at the Battle of Tours.

"Heh-heh-heh-heh. You, Francey, will soon be mine, little boy," sneered Arabia with a haughty air in his voice.

But Francois retorted, "You shall not pass, _mon enemi_. Charles Martel and I shall win."

And with that, Charles Martel stabbed the haughty Arab in the left side while the boy Francois kicked him between the legs. And with that, Arabia ran away, wounded and defeated. Charles Martel and Francois Bonnefoy had saved Christian Europe from Islam.

By Charles Martel's time, feudalism had come to be the widely-accepted form of government. The king ruled on top as the supreme authority of the land. He had lords who served the king but still had some power, especially over the lower classes. Then there were the knights, who served the lords and the king by fighting in battle. Finally, the serfs were at the rock bottom of the pyramid, having no say in how the government was run. Obviously outdated form of government, isn't it?

Anyway, in 741 AD, Charles Martel died and was lauded as the hero of his age. He was succeeded by his son Pepin le Bref as King of the Franks in 752 AD. Pepin became the first king of Carlovingian dynasty.

Now, Pepin was called "le Bref" because of his short stature of four-and-a-half feet high. But his undoubted physical strength and courage, combined with his ability to command, made him an effective leader for Francois Bonnefoy. During his reign, he fought the Lombards and the Saxons, and, by 759 AD, his kingdom extended to the Pyrenees.

In 768 AD, the dukedom of Aquitaine was annexed to the Kingdom of the Franks. That same year, coincidentally, Pepin le Bref died, leaving his kingdom to his two sons, Carloman and Charles. Three years later, a tragic day happened.

"Monsieur Bonnefoy," said a messenger to Francois. "I have some sad news. Pepin le Bref's son, Carloman, has died. What are we supposed to do?!"

Just then, the 12-year-old got an idea. "I could choose my own king according to the old law, _non?_" he thought.

And so it was in 771 AD, when Francois Bonnefoy chose Charles to be his king of a territory nearly the size of France today.

Francois' kings had now been for many years the special champions of the church. But, in 776 AD, the pagan Saxons, who saw that Charlemagne was campaigning in Italy at the time, began to attack Francois, burning the church at Deventer. Without Charlemagne around, the boy Francois just didn't know what to do.

Back in Lombardy, a messenger came to Charlemagne.

"Your Majesty!" he panted. "Francois Bonnefoy is under attack."

"QUOI!?" Charlemagne exclaimed with fury in his voice. "Who is attacking this boy?"

"The Saxons, sire."

And with that, Charlemagne, who had come to love Francois like a son, raced to his kingdom to stop the Saxons. From there, he reduced them to subjection. Afterwards, he returned to Italy to conquer the Lombards. And conquer he did.

By the beginning of the 9th century AD, the signal service which Charlemagne had rendered unto the Church was now rewarded in a striking manner. On Christmas Day 800 AD, a great event happened.

At Christmas Mass, Pope Leo III stepped up and announced, "I, Pope Leo, by the power invested in me, pronounce you, Charlemagne, Emperor of Holy Rome." And there was much rejoicing, particularly from Francois, the boy who had supported him all the way.

It was during Charlemagne's reign when the stirrup was introduced to Francois. Before then, Francois was afraid of horseback riding, fearing that he would fall off his horse while jumping. Now, Francois wanted to learn how to ride a horse, for he knew that nothing could stop the Frankish cavalry.

One day, as Charlemagne took Francois out into the courtyard to teach the boy a few tips on horseback riding, he told him, "Remember, _mon fils_, the outside of a horse is good for the inside of a man. And do you know why?"

"_Pourquoi, papa?_" asked Francois.

Charlemagne then explained, "Riding is perhaps one of the most beneficial forms of exercise. You see, Francois, the gentle, rocking action of the horse acts as an invigorating tonic to those vital organs, the heart and the liver. Now, in the canter, it is the gentle massage of the liver."

"Very interesting, _papa!_" exclaimed Francois with childlike delight.

"_Oui._ And now, I shall show you your new horse, Achille." And the two continued on their walk to the horse itself until finally they came to him.

The horse was a white horse, a noble creature, a magnificent steed standing at 8 feet tall.

Charlemagne explained as he showed Francois the horse, "And this, _mon fils_, is the horse, the servant of mankind, the aristocrat of the animal kingdom. Noble, faithful, obedient, and kind, he is the most magnificent of all dumb animals."

At that, the horse angrily shouted, "DUMB?!" And he neighed in anger.

Francois was shocked and asked Charlemagne, "_Papa_, did he talk?!"

"Nah!" retorted Charlemagne. "Just approach the horse with a confident attitude because man is the master. Try offering him this carrot as an overture of friendship."

And Francois stepped up to the horse and raised the carrot Charlemagne had given him up to the horse's lips. And with that, the horse ate the carrot and rubbed his nose onto the French boy, who realized that he was not afraid anymore.

Charlemagne chuckled, "_Eh, bien_. Now that we have won the horse's friendship, I shall teach you how to mount. Since you are a beginner, you can use this stepladder to climb onto the horse's saddle." And he set the stepladder next to the horse.

Once the boy climbed up the stepladder, his king gave him a helpful hint: "You can try the horizontal, or lateral, approach, also known as the up-and-over."

Francois then tried this approach, raising his right foot over the saddle and pressing his seat onto the saddle. "Like this, _papa?_" he asked.

"Well done, Francois, _mais pour l'amour de Dieu,_ do not go too far!" exclaimed Charlemagne as Francois rode off into the distance.

Charlemagne was so concerned that he rushed off after him.

After an hour, Charlemagne had finally caught up with Francois and, as he brought the boy and his horse back to the courtyard, he told the boy, "Eh, now that we have mastered the up-and-over method, we may safely abandon the mounting block and learn to use these newly introduced stirrups."

"_Oui, papa,_" sighed Francois.

"Remember,_ mon fils_, there is a right way and a wrong way for mounting the horse. The right side happens to be the wrong side, and the left side is the right side."

Finally, Francois, Charlemagne, and the horse had come back to the courtyard. Now Charlemagne was instructing the boy on how to use the stirrups.

"Now, _mon fils_," he instructed. "Swinging the leg in a graceful arch, raise it high above the horse thus, and then drop lightly into the saddle."

Francois did as he was told, first placing his left foot into the left stirrup, then swinging his right leg to place his right foot into the saddle. Finally, you should have seen the joy beaming in the boy's face when he found himself in the horse's saddle.

"I did it! I DID IT!" shouted Francois, and off he rode again.

Now Charlemagne was really concerned. He just didn't want Francois to be in danger, so he ran after him again.

After several hours, Charlemagne found Francois and the horse, both alright. "Oh, _Dieu merci_ that you are both alright," he sighed in relief. "You worried me sick."

"_Desole, papa_," sighed Francois as his adoptive father scooped him up into his arms and walked the horse home.

As the late-afternoon sun slowly faded over the distant hills, the king, the boy, and their horse turned their footsteps homeward, walking the horse to the stable as they went.

That night, Francois was at a banquet with Charlemagne and his biological family when Charlemagne said to his troubadour, "And now, troubadour, read us something."

The troubadour, who looked like Cacofonix, started to read when, having drunk too much wine, he got the hiccups.

"You go on, little boy," he slurred as he passed the scroll to Francois. "I give up for now. Read it."

Francois tried to read, but he couldn't understand the words.

"Well, continue!" ordered Charlemagne.

But Francois stammered, "Well, it seems like this. _Papa_, I cannot read."

And so, Charlemagne, being the wise one, got an idea. He announced, "As of this very moment, it will be compulsory for all clerks and for all children to go to school and learn to read."

Yes, it was in 802 AD, more than ever before, when education played an important role in the teaching of children, including Francois Bonnefoy, who still looked like a 12-year-old boy. The school had become a vital part of his community.

But then, Francois was always a rambunctious child, so Charlemagne had quite a difficult time dragging him to school.

"Off to school, Francois," he reminded the boy, placing a Bible in one of the boy's hands and an apple in the other. Francois mumbled and grumbled as he walked off to the schoolhouse.

It was then and there where he learned how to read and write and do simple math.

"This is a cinch," he thought as he wrote in his workbook. "I'm almost 850 years old." Indeed he was. But since he was a nation, he remained a child until the last days of Charlemagne.

Charlemagne took care of everything. From then on, writing characters would be those we know today. Numerals would be Arabic as opposed to Roman. One foot would equal 33 centimeters, the length of his own foot. One pound would equal 20 sous. One sou would equal 12 deniers. This was the rule until 1789.

Charlemagne himself died in 814 AD at the age of 72. But by then, Francois Bonnefoy had hit puberty and began to take on the looks of a teenager. At last, Francois could manage on his own.

**Coming up next, the Vikings invade Europe and Francois sees his little brother for the first time in over 500 years.**

**BTW, I would be lying if I said that this was not at least partially inspired by the classic Goofy cartoons, "How to Ride a Horse" and "Teachers are People".**


	5. The Normans

**Episode 5- The Normans**

**In which Charlemagne's empire crumbles and the Vikings invade.**

Upon Charlemagne's death in 814 AD, his empire was passed down to Louis the Pious, his only living son, who somehow lacked the firm hand of his father.

But with no more iron hand to rule Francois Bonnefoy, who had now taken on the looks and mindset of a 13-year-old pubescent boy, the empire began to fall apart, the nobility and clergy setting themselves up as feudal lords.

Finally, by 843 AD, Charlemagne's former empire had been divided into three parts thanks to the Treaty of Verdun, Christian education would remain in a state of disrepair for over two centuries, and Europe would be ravaged by 11 centuries of war.

Thus, Francois' first-ever king was Charles the Bald. But then, on Midsummer's Day, a new enemy came to attack Francois.

Francois was busy horseback riding when suddenly, his horse neighed in fright.

"_Qu'est-ce que ce, Achille?_" he asked his white stallion.

But then, he stared in horror as he saw three young Norsemen, all with blond hair and blue eyes. One was a hard-drinking Dane with a big grin on his face; his name was Mathias Kohler. Another was a reclusive, snarky Norwegian with a floating hair curl on the side of his head; his name was Lukas Bondevik. But to Francois, the third, a tall, intimidating Swede by the name of Berwald Oxenstierna, was the scariest of all.

This savage trio of Norsemen had already attacked Arthur Kirkland (having been Artair Imperiosus before the Dark Ages) in 793 AD and, in 830 AD, attacked Patrick McCormick (having been Patricius Imperiosus before the Dark Ages). But now, they were after Francois as well.

You can bet your life that the teenage Francois was petrified!

Unfortunately for him, Charles the Bald did nothing to stop the invaders, and, by 845 AD, Mathias, Lukas, and Berwald did the unthinkable.

"Hello, Francey-pants!" sneered Mathias with a particularly nasty grin on his face. And he, along with his Norwegian and Swedish lackeys, stabbed Francois in the chest. The Vikings had sacked Paris.

No, since he was a nation, Francois did not die, but in 856 AD, he felt a terrible pain in the chest, and he felt that he might never recover. Yes, Paris was in flames.

"Ow! My chest!" he would groan in the night. Thirty years after this Viking attack, Francois seemed to be on the road to recovery.

But, alas, in the mid-880's AD, during the reign of Charles the Fat, the Viking Trio attacked again. And this time, they were accompanied by a powerful chieftain named Rollo.

Rollo went on to found Normandy in the year 911 AD, when he converted to Christianity and was baptized Robert, Duke of Normandy. In 912 AD, he established Rouen as the capital of Normandy. He also married Giselle, daughter of Charles the Simple, Francois' king at the time.

Upon the death of Robert, Francois, now looking like a 14-year-old youth, decided to serve as a squire. You see, it was around this time when the feudal system was firmly established. The most prominent feature in the landscape was the stronghold known as the castle. But constant war left Francois' people in a state of want and misery.

Even so, this did not prevent our young hero, Francois Bonnefoy, from joining the ranks as a squire. So, he went to the draft board and came up to a big strong knight with red hair and braids.

Francois spoke in a deeper voice than before, "I have come to serve in the Norman ranks as a squire."

"Right this way," said the knight in an even deeper voice. "You can be my squire."

And the knight took the teenager into the castle.

As kings came and went in France, Francois himself remained in Normandy, serving as a squire to his knights. Finally, around the year 1028, William II of Normandy was born.

In 1035, at the young age of seven, William's father died and William became the new Duke of Normandy. But his rule was questioned by several of his barons, so in 1046, by age 18, William defeated the barons-for their own good!

By 1066, it seemed that Normandy was not good enough for William. That year, Arthur Kirkland, who had obtained the looks and mindset of a 12-year-old boy, received a new king, Harold Godwinson. But William believed that he was rightful heir to the throne. So, in 1066, he, along with the teenage Francois Bonnefoy attacked the shores of England.

Finally, on the morning of October 14, the Battle of Hastings had begun. Francois had caught up to Arthur with his sword, and he looked as though he was about to kill him. But, in Arthur, he did not see a rebellious child. He saw his little brother, whom he would play swordfight with during the Pax Romana. Francois then bowed his head and wept. He was unable to kill his own little half-brother.

So during lunch break, Francois trudged over to William and told him, "_Guillaume_, I have some bad news. I…do not like killing children."

William couldn't believe his ears. "But Francois," he insisted. "You know that if you do not kill the boy, then we will lose this battle."

But Francois shouted at the top of his lungs, tears streaming down his face, "BUT HE IS TOO YOUNG AND INNOCENT TO DIE!" Francois panted and, after calming down a little, he continued. "I cannot kill him because he is my little brother, my childhood friend," he sobbed.

'Why, I cannot understand," said William.

Francois then explained, brushing his tears away, "Arthur and I are nation-tans, immortal beings that are above humans but below God. Arthur and I are also sons of the great and mighty Roman Empire, or Romulus Imperiosus, but we changed our original names to keep up with the time. I myself have not been able to visit Arthur in over 600 years, and he is still a child."

"So you say," thought William. "In that case…" After pondering about it for a minute or two, he came up with an idea: "I have it. Instead of killing Arthur Kirkland, we shall kill his boss, Harold Godwinson."

Francois was delighted. "Bravo, _Guillaume!_" he exclaimed. "Bravo!"

So, after the lunch break, Francois' boss William of Normandy killed Harold, shooting him in the eye with an arrow. With that, Francois had won the Battle of Hastings without having to kill a child!

That Christmas Day in 1066, Francois allowed his boss, Duke William of Normandy, to be crowned King William the Conqueror of England by the original Westminster Abbey.

Francois was definitely excited, but he didn't know how his little brother Arthur would react to William the Conqueror because both William and Francois had come to England and slaughtered a lot of Saxon warriors, including Harold Godwinson.

William himself announced to the throng, "_Je suis tres heureux de devenir le premier roi d'Angleterre normand!_" which here means, "I am very happy to become the first Norman king of England!"

Finally, young Arthur watched as he saw the Archbishop of York step out from the abbey and exclaim, "By the power invested in me, I hereby crown you, William of Normandy, King of England."

"_VIVE LE ROI!_ LONG LIVE THE KING!" shouted the new King William I of England.

And there was much rejoicing, especially from Arthur Kirkland, because he was reunited with his big brother Francois Bonnefoy.

But then, what was that? Francois and Arthur were horrified to see the Norman soldiers open fire onto the crowd. These Englishmen were only cheering for joy, but the Normans confused it for a rebellion.

"Hey, now! Stop it!" cried Francois furiously. "The Battle of Hastings is over!" But it was no use. The Normans were now burning down Westminster Abbey. Both Francois and Arthur ran out of the church, escaping the flames as a lot of innocents were massacred.

The next day, Francois looked with horror at the site of the destruction. With most of Westminster Abbey burnt to the ground and hundreds of innocent souls departed, he didn't know what his little brother would think of him now.

**Coming up next, Francois takes his little brother to the Crusades and builds a cathedral in Paris.**

**BTW, I would be lying if I said that this was not at least partially inspired by the British television series "Horrible Histories".**


	6. My Kid Brother England

**Episode 6- My Kid Brother England**

**In which Francois mentors his younger half-brother Arthur Kirkland.**

After the Norman Conquest of 1066, Francois took Arthur, still 12 years old in human age, under his wing and tried to teach him French customs. The elite in England was replaced by Normans and the feudal era had begun.

But one of the greatest contributions Francois gave to Arthur was his language.

"_Et maintenant, mon petit frère,_" he said to Arthur. "I shall teach you some proper culture."

With that he took a slab of beef and told the boy, "Repeat after me: _voici le boeuf_."

Arthur repeated in his best efforts, "_V-v-voici le b-boeuf_."

"_Bien,_" Francois applauded and pulled out a pork roast. "_Voici le porc_."

"_V-v-voici le porc_."

"_Bien, tres bien_." And Francois pulled out a mutton chop. "_Voici le mouton_."

"_Voici le m-m-mouton!_"

"_Excellent, mon petit lapin!_" And Francois and Arthur would hug each other…as brothers.

By 1090, three years after William the Conqueror died, Francois, who by now had obtained the looks of a 15-year-old youth, was living in a stone castle with his half-brother Arthur, who still looked like a 12-year-old boy.

That year, the French teenager decided to take his English half-brother to his capital Paris. "You should come to Paris, _mon petit lapin_," he said to the boy. "It will be interesting, _je promets_."

And so, Francois took his little brother Arthur to Paris. There he pointed out some rather fascinating sights, to say the least.

"This, _mon petit lapin_," he pointed out, "is where the local church is." There they saw a blind beggar asking for alms.

"Alms, alms for the poor," he cried out in his squeaky voice.

Arthur politely refused, saying, "I have nothing, sir." But Francois dropped a sou into the beggar's tin.

The brothers also saw a couple of priests come out to say, "Enter, brethren. Supper is ready."

After a hearty meal, Francois walked Arthur across the streets to a store where they sold some rare goods. "Gee, big brother. What rich fabric! And those gems, too!" Arthur exclaimed.

"_Oui,_" mused Francois as they walked further. "It is all so beautiful, _non?_"

"Yes, I say," sighed young Arthur. "The city is quite interesting."

Just then, Francois saw a man being flogged. Luckily, he managed to cover Arthur's eyes so as not to traumatize him. "Well, that depends on what you find interesting," he said to his little brother as they walked away from the flogging.

"Why, of course, it's interesting, big brother," Arthur replied. "And please, do uncover my eyes."

After they had come to a wooden hotel, Francois uncovered the boy's eyes. "Do you like it?" he asked.

"Oh, I do say, thank you, big brother. Definitely," Arthur said as he and his French half-brother entered the hotel.

The next day, the two brothers walked across town, to see a construction site. "Why, what's that?" asked Arthur.

"Oh, that?" replied Francois. "That, _mon petit lapin_, is going to be my greatest cathedral. People will worship in it for centuries, even though the construction alone could stretch out for decades."

"Oh, boy, Francois!" exclaimed Arthur. "I can't wait."

"_Oui,_" said Francois. "We will be the only ones to see its construction."

But then, in 1095, His Holiness Pope Urban II decreed a crusade against Arabia, who guarded Jerusalem, which was the place where Christ lived his last week, died, and rose again. These were his words:

"Go, my sons. Do battle and vanquish the heathens. God wills it. Yes, God wills it!"

And with that the teenaged Francois, the young Arthur, and their cousin, a 6-year-old boy named Ludwig Beilschmidt all cried out, "TO JERUSALEM! GOD WILLS IT!" And off they went to Jerusalem to defeat Arabia, for they were certain that God willed it. Ironically, none of the boys' bosses joined them in that first glorious call to the Crusades, for William II of England, Heinrich IV of Germany, and Philippe I of France had all been excommunicated by the irascible Pope Urban II.

One day, in 1099, Francois, Arthur, and Ludwig would surround Arabia and give him a good whipping at Jerusalem.

That day, Francois took the boys into the battlefield. "_Bien, mes enfants,_" he told them. "You boys are going to learn plenty about the Crusades. I am going to teach you how to fire weapons, show you all about chivalry."

"Gee, swell, big brother," said Arthur with wide-eyed enthusiasm.

"_Oui,_ and then I am going to show you how to fight the infidels."

"_Ach, das ist gut!_" exclaimed Ludwig with a distinctly German accent.

Then, out in the distance came the infidel, Francois' enemy from 732 AD, Arabia. He had come to attack Francois and the boys, but the boys especially.

But Francois would not allow Arabia to harm his little brother Arthur or his cousin Ludwig. So he lashed out his sword and ran for a taste of blood.

Using his sword, he stabbed the Arab warriors, slaughtering them as he went. This, of course, gave young Arthur an idea.

He took his little cousin Ludwig and told him, "Cousin Ludwig, I want you to roll yourself up into a ball."

Ludwig did so. "Like this?" he asked his English cousin.

"Yes, like that," Arthur replied. And with that said and done, he took the rolled-up Ludwig and rolled him across the battlefield. Ludwig then hit the remaining Arab warriors as though they were bowling pins and he a bowling ball. "STRIKE!" screamed Ludwig as he emerged from his bowling ball cocoon unharmed.

Finally, after the three boys had butchered the entire garrison, it was Francois, the eldest, who raised the Christian flag over the fortress of Jerusalem. Arabia had been vanquished.

Once teenage Francois, young Arthur, and little Ludwig had successfully conquered Jerusalem, life could go on peacefully in the town.

That day was a holiday and Francois took Arthur to see a tournament. One of the knights was a blond and blue-eyed heavyweight knight named Sir Loinsteak. He rode on a white horse with blue clothing. The other was a burly-looking knight named Sir Cumference. He rode on a black horse with red clothing.

Once the signal trumpets sounded, both knights knew that it was time to charge at each other!

Both boys were moving at a furious pace. Francois knew it would be ghastly. The knights were moving closer now. The cutting line, the scrimmage, and…

CRASH!

Sir Cumference was down and it was all over. The crowd cheered their new champion Sir Loinsteak.

Both Francois and Arthur cheered with them. "YAY, SIR LOINSTEAK!" Arthur cried out with unbounded joy. And he and Francois hugged each other.

The next day, Francois set Arthur off to school. There at school, Arthur learned reading, writing, and arithmetic. He was taught Latin, drawing, and geography. And in geography, he was taught that he was Norman England, a French-speaking country whose rulers date back to William the Conqueror.

In 1145, Francois, Arthur, and Ludwig set out on a Second Crusade with Louis the Young of France, Konrad III of Germany, and Stephen of England only to come back defeated four years later. But Francois, Arthur, and Ludwig's cities had gained full freedom, and there was a university open to everyone free of charge.

That day, in 1163, Francois Bonnefoy received his diploma for theology, all at the human age of 15. And Arthur, his little brother, was very happy.

The pace quickened. Starting then and there, Francois and his people began work on that grand cathedral that would later be called Notre-Dame de Paris.

The people worked with rare dedication, setting the blocks onto one another and carving statues from stone. Sometimes, Francois' little brother, Arthur, came over to visit, especially during the lunch breaks.

Yes, progress had been going very well. In 1182, the high altar was consecrated, and, three years later, the Patrician of Jerusalem officiated in the church. But in 1189, Francois, Arthur, and Cousin Ludwig got some dreadful news from Pope Clement III:

"The infidels are back in Jerusalem! They desecrate the Holy Land! Everyone sign up for the Third Crusade!"

And so, the Third Crusade began. Naturally, Francois, Arthur, and Ludwig signed up immediately.

"Let us not permit pagans to touch the city of Christ!" exclaimed Francois.

"Let us go kill some heathens!" shouted Arthur.

"Arabia must leave the Holy Land!" cried Ludwig.

And off the three boys went to seek the Holy Land.

Outside the city of Acre, where the troops of Philippe Auguste, Francois' boss, were joined by those of King Richard the Lionheart, Arthur's boss, the two brothers learned some sad news.

A German messenger came up to them and told them, "I am afraid your cousin Ludwig Beilschmidt cannot make it. The Emperor Friedrich Barbarossa is dead. He had just siege to Iconium, capital city of Armenia, when he decided to go swimming. Alas, he got cramps and drowned. Ludwig was so scared that he ran home."

When Francois and Arthur learned the news, they were greatly saddened. "Whatever shall we do, big brother?" the English boy thought.

"Well, _mon petit lapin,_" said Francois. "We shall have to besieging Acre, with our kings. Let us sound the call to combat!"

Suddenly from the mountains, came Saladin's army to save the besieged city. Camps were pitched on either side of the ramparts and between skirmishes, Francois and Arthur would fraternize with Arabia.

"Hello, Arabia," said Arthur innocently to the Arab nation.

Arabia then looked at the English boy. "Oh, what do you want? I'm busy!" he groaned.

"I just want to play dice with you."

"Dice?" thought Arabia, and he seemed to soften. "I love playing dice."

And so, during the periods of fraternization, Francois, Arthur, and Arabia would play dice with each other. There were even parties.

But after these fraternization breaks, Francois and Arthur would go back into battle with Arabia. And finally, a desperate attack on Acre was launched.

Once the brothers had destroyed the city walls, they and their bosses stormed in. Francois and Arthur punched Arabia so hard, that before Francois left for home, the Crusaders' flag flew over Acre.

"I will be leaving you now, _mon petit lapin_," Francois said to Arthur. "Be a good boy."

"Yes, big brother," said Arthur as he watched his older half-brother sail off into the distance.

From there, Arthur and his boss Richard the Lionheart continued on towards Jerusalem. Finally, in 1192, the two had reached Jerusalem. But the walls were too strong and his armies were surrounded by Saladin's men.

Arthur then came up to his boss and said, "Your Majesty, I'm afraid. I don't want to be besieged."

And so, Richard did not dare lead an attack. But one night, while Arthur was safe in bed, Arabia attacked the boy.

"Arabia!" shouted Arthur in fear. "What are you doing!?"

Arabia couldn't answer. He simply gave an evil grin as he raise his sword above the boy.

Just then, Richard the Lionheart, the noble king he was, came to save Arthur.

"Your Majesty!" he exclaimed with happiness as Richard pressed his shield onto Arabia.

Finally, on September 3, 1192, Richard the Lionheart and Saladin signed a peace treaty, granting the Christians free access to the Holy Land. Arthur was safe to go home to Big Brother Francois at last.

Meanwhile, in Paris, as the years rolled by, Francois and his little brother Arthur would see the architects' children carry on their fathers' work. Grandchildren, in turn, would do their share. Francois saw generation upon generation as the walls grew higher. Finally, by the 14th century, just as Arthur was hitting puberty, the Notre-Dame cathedral was nearing completion.

One day, in 1312, Francois heard some church bells ringing. When he woke up, he was in for a very pleasant surprise. The cathedral, Notre-Dame de Paris, was completed. He was so happy that he wept at the beauty of it all. "Oh, Arthur should see this," he thought as he dried his eyes. To this day, Notre Dame Cathedral remains a prime example of Gothic architecture.

Unfortunately, Arthur Kirkland's boyhood sweetness did not last anywhere near as long as the cathedral has.

By 1337, Arthur had obtained the looks and mindset of a 14-year-old youth, but his gravelly voice made him sound much older. Meanwhile, Francois looked two years older than Arthur and had a big, manly voice to boot.

That year, 1337, was a year that would live in infamy. It seemed that Arthur's boss, Edward III, claimed that he was rightful heir to the French throne. And so, Arthur snuck up on his big brother, Francois Bonnefoy, who had doted on him for centuries. With that, he pulled out his sword and literally stabbed him in the back. Need I say more, other than that Francois let out a scream of fright and pain from that sneak attack?

The Hundred Years' War had begun.

**Coming up next, Francois suffers defeats during the Hundred Years' War and nearly dies a Black Death.**

**BTW, I would be lying if I said that this was not at least partially inspired by the classic Goofy cartoon, "A Knight for a Day".**


	7. The Hundred Years' War

**Episode 7- The Hundred Years' War (pilot episode)**

**In which Francois suffers a bad case of plague and nearly dies from humiliating defeats.**

Once upon a time, in a house called the Roman Empire, a five-year-old child named Artair Imperiosus, who would later be called Arthur Kirkland, lived with various other nation-tans. Some (Scotland, Ireland, and Wales) were his actual brothers through his mother Britannia. Others (like Spain, Greece, and France) were his half-brothers through his father the Roman Empire.

But one day, in 476 AD, the Roman Empire was killed in a duel with mean old Uncle Germania, who also bulled Spain (now called Antonio Fernandez Carriedo), France (now Francois Bonnefoy), and, yes, little Arthur.

That all changed in 1066, when Arthur's teenage brother Francois took him into his wing. For a while, Arthur spent his time touring Francois' cities and fighting the Crusades alongside him. The now 12-year-old Arthur was a child prodigy in warfare, so his big brother Francois, himself having been a child prodigy, was delighted.

In one crusade, the young English boy thought, "'Tis quite fun to fight in a war alongside my big brother. Somehow, I feel so much like my father, Romulus Imperiosus. I should practice fighting with my big brothers Scott, Owen, and Patrick. I can't wait to fight an actual war!"

But one day, by the beginning of the 14th century, in a skirmish with his big brother Scott McAlister, an unusual phenomenon took place.

"Ha-ha! Take that, you big bully!" shouted the 13-year-old Arthur with playful delight.

"Ha-ha! Ye won't git past me, ye vile betrayer, ye!" growled the 19-year-old Scott playfully.

The 17-year-old Owen Kirkland and the 15-year-old Patrick McCormick just watched on to their own amusement.

Suddenly, Arthur started to cough and hack violently. "Ach, Arthur!" exclaimed Scott with genuine concern in his voice. 'What is wrong with ye?"

"It could be asthma," said Patrick, the whimsical Irishman he was.

"Or it could be consumption," suggested Owen, the shy Welshman he was.

"Or it could be puberty," groaned Scott, the angry Scotsman he was. "Arthur is the youngest of us and therefore the last of us to hit puberty, and I reckon that once he hits puberty, he'll soon be corrupted."

Unfortunately, Scott was right. And by 1337, Arthur had become a bully. That year was the year the 14-year-old English youth snuck up on his big brother Francois, stabbing him in the back with his sword.

Francois began to weep upon being stabbed, the sword still in his back. The French teenager just felt betrayed by his little brother's first cruel act. It was also that first cruel act that ignited the Hundred Years' War. For the first time ever in almost 1000 years, brother would fight brother.

By 1340, Francois and Arthur were no longer friends. In fact, they were enemies, and would remain so for the next 100 years or so. And for many years, Arthur seemed to get the upper hand, like in 1346 at the Battle of Crecy, where he and Edward the Black Prince drove Francois to a disastrous defeat.

"Ha-ha-ha!" chuckled Arthur in a cold, gravelly voice that made him sound much older than his 14-year-old appearance. "You thought you could beat me, eh, what, big brother?" And he shot arrows and cannonballs at his own big brother.

Francois shuddered at how his little brother, who had once been a sweet kid, had come to be a ruthless and greedy young man who would stop at nothing to get what he wanted.

After Crecy, however, things would only go from bad to worse.

In 1347, a little flea no bigger than the head of a pin jumped onto a black rat. Unfortunately for the rat, the flea had a strange disease called the plague, so the rat died.

The flea was plenty dissatisfied at this and so sought out some more rats to infect. Luckily for him, he spied something even better. A nation-tan, with golden hair and ocean-blue eyes. That nation-tan, of course, was our hero, Francois Bonnefoy, at the human age of 17.

The flea then got an idea. So he jumped onto the French teenager and Francois too caught the plague, albeit a mild form of it. Yes, in 1347, the people of Marseilles were infected by the plague.

Of course, a year later, Francois' plague only got even worse, because by then, the plague had reached Paris and Francois lost the will to fight. In 1349, Arthur too caught the plague and Francois himself, who came to believe that he got the plague as a punishment from God, decided to become a flagellant, someone who believed that he should go around whipping himself.

One day, as the plague-ridden French teenager went around whipping himself, he came across a thief. The thief shouted, "GIVE US YER MONEY! GIVE US YER MONEY 'ER I'LL WHACK YOU WITH ME CUDGEL!"

"Ah, so you'll hit me with your cudgel, _non?_" asked Francois. "What kind of a threat is that? I am hitting myself with this here sexy whip." Just then, Francois seemed to remember something. "Ah, _zut,_" he groaned. "Just look what you have made me do. I should be abstaining from talking. I shall have to whip myself as punishment." And he whipped himself.

"Why ain't ya supposed to talk?" asked the thief.

"I have become a flagellant," explained the plague-ridden teen. "I am a boy from a sinful town wandering around and whipping myself." Then he groaned again, "_ZUT!_ I've opened my mouth again!" And he whipped himself again.

"Well, whippin' 'er no whippin'," shouted the thief again. "Give us yer money, 'er I'll…I'll…"

"_Oui?_"

"I'll hit ya with this cudgel, an' I'll cut yer feet off, an' I'll gouge yer purty blue eyes out!"

"Why, that might be quite helpful, _actualment_," said Francois.

The thief was confused. "What?" he asked.

"Like I said, I am a flagellant. I am trying to suffer just as Jesus did so that God will save my soul. The more suffering I go through, the better. So do your worst." And Francois whipped himself again.

"FINE!" said the thief. "IF YA WON'T GIVE ME YER MONEY, THEN I'LL JUST HAVE TO HELP MYSELF!" So he tried to reach into Francois' pouch only to get a nasty whiff of the French youth. "WOW! THAT'S DISGUSTIN'!" he cried.

"_Oui, je sais,_" Francois calmly explained. "As well as the whipping, we flagellants are forbidden to wash, shave, or change our clothes." And he whipped himself again.

"You, young man, have got quite a ding on the coconut!" said the thief, and he held his breath and dug into Francois' pouch. "WAIT A SEC!" he exclaimed. "YOU AIN'T GOT NO MONEY!"

Francois chuckled, "A-hon-hon-hon! _Mais non!_ That is the other thing about us flagellants: We believe money to the root of all evil." And he whipped himself again. "So I have become penniless."

"Ah, shoot!" cried the thief. "What's the doggone point? I'm a hopeless thief!"

"Well, why not give it up, _monsieur?_" the French teenager suggested. "Come on the route _avec moi_. It could mean you can go to Heaven, _non?_"

Well, after the thief thought it over a little bit, he said, "You'll bet yer life I'll join. After all, I am a sinner."

And so, the thief walked on as Francois followed, whipping him. The thief screamed in pain and asked, "How long do we have to do this fer?"

"Well," explained Francois. "Jesus lived on this miserable Earth for 33 1/3 years, so we shall keep this up for 33 1/3 days."

"THIRTY-THREE-AND-A-THIRD DAYS!?" yelled the thief in shock.

"_SILENCE, MON AMI!_" shouted the French teenaged flagellant as he continued to whip the thief, the latter still screaming in pain.

Between 1346 and 1353, in seven short years, the plague, which came to be known as the Black Death, killed one-third of Europe's inhabitants. Miraculously, though, all of the nation-tans, including those who had yet to hit puberty, survived.

Once the Black Death had passed over Europe, Francois Bonnefoy and Arthur Kirkland, along with all the other nation-tans, made a nice recovery, although it would take a few centuries for Europe's population to rise to pre-Black-Death levels.

However, in 1355, Arthur made another attack on Francois, this time pillaging the south of France with his general, the Black Prince.

The following year, evil Arthur crushed his own big brother Francois again, this time at the Battle of Poitiers. Francois found that loss at high noon even greater than that of Crecy just ten years earlier.

"HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!" cackled the English teenager in a voice that chills Francois' bones even to this day. "I win again!"

In 1360, a peace treaty was signed in Bretigny. According to its terms, Arthur had to give up certain possessions in France while retaining others. But, the peace of 1360 turned out to be a shaky peace, as the teenage brothers, Francois and Arthur, still hated each other. So, in 1369, just nine years after the peace treaty was signed, war broke out again.

It wasn't until 1370 when Francois saw the full extent of how evil the 14-year-old Arthur had become. That year, Arthur and the Black Prince laid siege on the town of Limoges.

Then, the Black Prince, infuriated at the townspeople's opposition to the siege, ordered Arthur, "Kill them. Kill them all."

Then, Arthur Kirkland, following his general's orders, took out his sword and, with his soldiers, massacred 3,000 civilians: men, women, and children.

After the Black Prince's dark deed was carried out, he and his men left the besieged town. Afterwards, Francois was marching across town when he saw the town full of dead people. He was horrified. Finally, as the teenaged Frenchman walked along the blood-stained pathway, he spotted a child, lying dead on the ground. It was then and there when he fell to his knees. Tears ran down his face. He was just so upset because he never knew that Arthur Kirkland, his own little brother, would do such a terrible deed.

In 1380, Francois had a new king, Charles VI, who was only 11 years old at the time. Five years later, the 16-year-old king married a 14-year-old princess, Isabeau of Bavaria. But by the dawn of the 15th century, the king Charles VI went insane.

In 1415, Arthur Kirkland, now having the looks of a 16-year-old youth, again attacked Francois Bonnefoy, now having the looks of an 18-year-old man. It was also that year when Francois faced yet another disaster in the Crecy and Poitiers tradition, this time Agincourt.

It was around that time when Arthur and his Welsh brother Owen had learned how to use the longbow.

"Um, Arthur," stuttered Owen sheepishly. "Are you sure we can defeat Francois this way?"

"Of course, I am," replied the Englishman. And so, the two brothers fired their arrows. The arrows hit Francois in the right side, causing him to fall from his horse, Achille.

"HA-HA-HA-HA!" exclaimed Arthur in his most sinister voice. "You, Francois, have been beaten again by your own little brother!"

At those words "little brother", Francois thought back to all the good times he shared with Arthur prior to the beginning of the Hundred Years' War. They used to play with each other as boys during the Pax Romana, and they used to fight in the Crusades.

Now, all poor Francois could do was lie down in defeat. Although Francois had made a friend in Arthur's oldest brother Scott, he felt helpless. And to make matters worse, the Treaty of Troyes, signed in 1420, demanded that Arthur's boss, King Henry, not the dauphin Charles, was rightful heir to the French throne. Francois never felt so humiliated. He thought he was going to die. But then, in 1428, Francois Bonnefoy, at the human age of 19, would meet a young peasant girl in the village of Domremy. And that girl would have an unparalled impact on Francois' life.

**Coming up next, Francois falls in love with a human and enlists her.**

**BTW, I would be lying if I said that this was not at least partially inspired by the British television series "Horrible Histories".**


	8. The Story of Joan of Arc, Part 1

**Episode 8- The Story of Joan of Arc, Part 1**

**In which Francois falls in love with Joan of Arc and fights Arthur at Orleans.**

**Music: Beethoven's Pastoral Symphony- Mvt. 2 (from "Fantasia")**

One day, in 1428, Francois Bonnefoy, who had just obtained the looks and mindset of a 19-year-old man, was walking through a forest, accompanied by his white horse, Achille. He was in a lot of pain because he had a lot of wounds around his body. As he sat down to tend his wounds, he noticed something. A little village was out there in the middle of a distant plain.

And so, he got up, stretched his legs, and tooted his horn.

Afterwards, he jumped onto Achille and raced it to the village. He knew that there must be people there, French, not English. When he approached the village, he was right. The village, Domremy by name, had obviously been war-damaged, but there were still some people there.

"Oh, surely there must be someone who can help me," he thought, and he walked into the village with Achille, passing by various people as he went.

He walked by a few houses, maybe a church or two, just to look for someone who could help him.

And there, in the field, he met her. A simple peasant girl with red hair and green eyes, she looked no older than 16. But Francois found himself in love with the girl. His heart beat for her as he walked towards the field where she worked, hiding behind the bushes with Achille.

And then, the girl heard some voices calling her name, "Jeanne. Jeanne. Jeanne d'Arc."

At first, she was frightened, but she recovered herself on finding that it was the saints: Michael, Margaret, and Catherine. Now, she had spoken to those voices for several years now, but now it was definitely time.

"Joan," said Michael. "We want you to go to Chinon, to see the Dauphin."

"Yes, Joan," said Margaret. "The Dauphin is rightful heir to the throne."

"Meanwhile, England can be expelled from France," said Catherine.

"Yeah, but how do I do it?" asked Joan.

"Someone in the bushes will show you the way," said Michael as he, Margaret, and Catherine left for Heaven.

At this, Francois, in the bushes, thought, "How to get Jeanne to help me win the war?" Then, he got an idea.

So, Francois pulled out a flute and, placing it to his lips, he played a simple tune.

Joan was mesmerized by the tune and walked towards it. There, she came across a handsome but melancholy face.

"_Bonjour, mademoiselle Jeanne d'Arc_," he said with sincerity in his heart. "I am in desperate need of your help so you must come with me to Chinon."

Joan was a little confused at first, but then she figured out that the Frenchman, who looked no older than 19, was the "someone" that the saints were talking about. "Okay, _monsieur_," she said as Francois gently placed her onto Achille's saddle and walked her to Chinon.

Yes, Francois and Joan knew that at that moment, they were in love.

**Music: Beethoven's Pastoral Symphony- Mvt. 3 (from "Fantasia")**

It was February 1429. A snowy day, but Francois and Joan had come nonetheless, riding on horseback to the Dauphin's castle at Chinon.

"Well," chuckled Francois. "We're almost there, Jeanne."

"Now, this Dauphin," Joan questioned. "Do you know him?"

"_Mais oui, mon amour,_" he answered. "The Dauphin Charles may not be much to look at, but I have a feeling that he will make a fine king."

"Okay, if you insist," said Joan as Francois parked his horse Achille and walked the girl into the castle.

There, in the Dauphin's castle, the prince himself, in an attempt to trick Joan, had hid amongst his courtiers and put a richly-dressed young noble on the throne instead.

But once Francois and Joan entered the castle, the peasant girl could recognize the Dauphin and went straight to him, kneeling before him to the amazement of the throng.

She told him, "Your Majesty, I am on a divine mission to see you crowned King of France."

Of course, the Dauphin Charles was very impressed at this, and he immediately knew what to do. He ordered to his courtiers, "Gentlemen, give her an army and my bravest captains, too."

Francois was delighted because he knew that his beloved Joan was going to fight alongside him. But first, she needed armor.

So, for the next couple of months, the blacksmiths and tailors made her a suit of custom-made armor and a banner to carry into battle. That banner read, "Jesus, Maria" and had three saints on it.

At last, by the end of April, Joan was ready to fight.

And so, on April 29, Francois, Joan, and the French armies had come to the besieged city of Orleans, to free it from the English.

"Well, _mes amis_, we're here," Joan declared.

"And now, we are going to free it, _non?_" cried Francois with utter delight.

"Yes, Francois," said Joan. "But first, we must free it from your brother, Arthur Kirkland."

"_Oui, oui, je sais. Je…_" Francois paused with fright. "Arthur Kirkland?"

**Music: Beethoven's Pastoral Symphony- Mvt. 4 (from "Fantasia")**

You see, amongst those defending the besieged city of Orleans, morale was at its lowest point. But Joan had broken through the English line, and she, Francois, and their men had entered the captive city.

Of course, Arthur Kirkland, now 17 years old, would not stand for this, so he ordered his men to…

"ATTAAAAAAAAAAACK!"

But by now, Francois knew what to do to avoid another Agincourt. He allowed Joan to lead the attack on Arthur's fortress.

Cannons boomed. Arrows zoomed. Frenchmen fought Englishmen.

"You big bully!" shouted Joan. "God wills it that this city will be on French soil."

Arthur was furious. "I won't allow it!" he shouted, and with that, he shot an arrow into Joan's shoulder.

Francois was horrified and stopped fighting for a moment, rushing to Joan's body, scooping her into his arms, laying her beneath a tree, and kneeling over in prayer.

As the young Frenchman was praying, Joan woke up, alive and well. In fact, immediately after she woke up, Joan pulled the arrow out of her shoulder.

Al last, to Francois' surprise, Joan leapt to her feet. "Now, let us free the city!" she declared to Francois.

But Francois told her, "But, _Jeanne_, you are hurt."

"Oh, relax, Francois. It's just a flesh wound," she assured him, and off the two went, back into Orleans.

Meanwhile, back in Orleans, the French side wasn't doing so well until Joan and Francois returned. Joan declared to Arthur, "Be gone, Arthur, or I will make you go!"

"Witchcraft," a horrified Arthur said to himself.

"Witchcraft?" thought his men in horror. "WITCHCRAFT!" they screamed as they scampered down the fortress and out of the city, Arthur Kirkland not far behind them.

Even after the English had fled, Francois could not resist the temptation to fire two last cannon shots at Arthur, just to tell him what he thought of the Englishman's cruel acts.

It was then and there when Francois Bonnefoy knew that the tide had turned in favor of the French, thanks to a red-headed peasant girl named Joan of Arc. "From now on, _Jeanne_, you shall be the Maid of Orleans," he said to her in gratitude.

**Music: Beethoven's Pastoral Symphony- Mvt. 5 (from "Fantasia")**

And now, off Francois and Joan went towards the Rheims Cathedral, where Charles VII would take his divine place as King of France.

"Well, _Jeanne,_" the young Frenchman said to the Maid of Orleans. "Thanks to you, we shall now defeat _Angleterre_ and show him what you are made of."

Joan chuckled, "Maid of Orleans!" And the two had a good laugh before Francois hoisted his precious maiden onto his horse Achille and walked them on the way to Rheims.

On the way, Francois and Joan fought several skirmishes with Arthur. They fought in Jargeau, Meung-sur-Loire, Beaugency, and Patay, and in the process, they successfully drove Arthur and the English away from the Loire River Valley.

At last, the French had reached the cathedral in Rheims.

The Dauphin's coronation was a spectacular ceremony. First, Charles was anointed with holy oil, the same oil used to baptize Clovis, Francois' first Christian king.

Next, he was handed a scepter in his right hand and the rod of justice in his left.

Finally, the archbishop declared, "By the power invested in me, I hereby crown you, King Charles VII of France."

And the crowd rejoiced. Joan was especially proud of this moment, for she knew that Francois had borne the burden and so deserved the honor of standing next to her at that finest hour.

That night, as Francois and his Scottish friend Scott were getting ready for bed, the former began to muse about this red-headed Maid of Orleans, now asleep in her bed.

**Music: "Heaven's Light" [French version] (from "The Hunchback of Notre Dame")**

Francois, the ever-romantic guy, began to sing softly:

"_Combien de fois mes yeux_

_Ont vu des amoureux,_

_Couple heureux flânant dans le soir."_

He looked outside his window and saw an Austrian boy and a Hungarian girl walking hand-to-hand, as though in love with each other. They gave each other a passionate kiss as the Frenchman sang:

"_Ils rayonnaient d'espoir et mon âme_

_S'illuminat comme un vitrail."_

Scott, also being a hopeless romantic, gave a sad sigh at how unlucky he was not to fall for a human.

Francois continued to sing:

"_Cette étrange lueur_

_D'un infinie douceur_

_Est comme un feu qui me rappelle,"_

Francois thought sadly about how his bad reputation as a pervert prevented a lot of people from actually knowing him.

"_Que la laideur de mon visage_

_Effraie la lumière du Ciel."_

Then Joan of Arc entered his life. As Francois put it:

"_Et ce matin, un Ange,_

_Sur mon chemin_

_D'un sourire a effacé mes chagrins"._

He took off his shirt, revealing to Scott his battle scars: a dagger scar on his back from the first invasion, an arrow scar on his right shoulder from Crecy, a sword scar on his left breast from Poitiers, and two arrow scars on his right side from Agincourt.

"_Elle m'a donné sans peur_

_Ce baiser sur mon coeur_

_Qui bat le carillon pour elle._

_J'étais une ombre sans soleil._

_J'ai vu la lumière du Ciel!"_

And with that, Scott and Francois went to bed. Francois was especially happy because his Maid of Orleans was going to help him win the Hundred Years' War.

**Coming up next, Arthur plots against Joan of Arc.**


	9. The Story of Joan of Arc, Part 2

**Episode 9- The Story of Joan of Arc, Part 2**

**In which Arthur Kirkland plots against Joan of Arc and Francois Bonnefoy tries to save her life.**

**Music: "Hellfire" (from "The Hunchback of Notre Dame")**

On the night after Charles VII was crowned King of France, in a Parisian castle, there lived a now 18-year-old Englishman named Arthur Kirkland. You see, even though Joan had liberated the Valley of the Loire, Paris was still under English occupation. As the choristers at Notre-Dame sang in Latin, Arthur, in his nightshirt, gazed into his fire and sang:

"_Beata Maria, you know I am a righteous man._

_Of my virtue I am justly proud._

_Beata Maria, you know I'm so much purer than_

_The common, vulgar, weak, licentious crowd._

_Then tell me, Maria, why I see her dancing there,_

_Why her smoldering eyes still scorch my soul._

_I feel her! I see her! The sun caught in her auburn hair_

_Is blazing in me out of all control!"_

As Arthur gazed into his fireplace, he thought he saw Joan of Arc, Francois' girlfriend, in the fire. The very thought of that "witch" filled his blackened heart with cruel hate.

"_Like fire, hellfire,_

_This fire in my skin;_

_This burning desire_

_Is turning me to sin!"_

Just then, some faceless, red-hooded spirits rose up and stared ominously at Arthur. The young Englishman was startled.

"_It's not my fault! I'm not to blame!_

_It is that Frenchie's girl, the witch who set this flame!_

_It's not my fault, if in God's plan,_

_He made the Devil so much stronger than a man!"_

With that, the spirits escaped and Arthur continued to sing:

"_Protect me, Maria, don't let this siren cast her spell!_

_Don't let her fire sear my flesh and bone!_

_Destroy Joan of Arc now and let her taste the fires of Hell,_

_Or else let her be mine and mine alone!"_

That's right; the young Englishman would rather kill Joan than not have her. But his awesome song was interrupted by a knock on his bedroom door. Why, it was his messenger.

"Lord Kirkland," said the messenger. "The Dauphin has been crowned King of France."

"What?" asked Arthur in disbelief.

"The tide has turned against us. We're doomed."

"But, how? I…" Just then, Arthur had a thought. He turned and told the messenger, "Never mind. Get out, you idiot." He then muttered to himself, "I'll find her. I'll find her and then I'll put her to death!" And he continued to sing:

"_Hellfire, dark fire,_

_Now, Joan, it is your turn._

_Choose me or your pyre._

_Be mine or you will burn!_

_God have mercy on her._

_God have mercy on me._

_But she will be mine,_

_Or she will BURN!"_

**Music: Dance of the Hours- Elephants (from "Fantasia")**

The next day, Arthur's soldiers noticed that their leader was just waking up.

"I say, general, are you feeling alright?" asked one of the soldiers.

A drowsy Arthur explained, "I, um, had a little trouble with the fireplace."

"I see," said the soldier. "Your orders, sir?"

"Send for my Burgundian mercenaries, and quick!" shouted Arthur to the soldier.

And so, the soldier rushed off to find Arthur's Burgundian mercenaries.

You see, around this time, some nobles in Burgundy decided that Arthur's king, Henry VI, was rightful heir to the French throne. And so, they collaborated with the English during this trying time.

Finally, one night in 1430, three of Arthur's Burgundian mercenaries came to him. "_Bonjour, monsieur Kirkland!_" they shouted to him. "We have come to serve you all the way!"

"Excellent, men," said Arthur in a honeyed voice. "Now, find Joan of Arc, kidnap her, and bring her to me. I will give you your reward once you've done the deed."

Well, these faux-French collaborators were ever-willing to work for money, especially English money. So how could they not accept the sordid task? "We will find the girl, _monsieur Kirkland!_" they exclaimed. And off went the three traitors to capture the girl, while Lord Kirkland smirked smugly.

He knew that once Joan of Arc was captured, he would try her and burn her as a witch.

**Music: Dance of the Hours- Alligators (from "Fantasia")**

Meanwhile, Francois Bonnefoy, now 20 years old in appearance, was sleeping in his tent near Compiegne, while Joan of Arc, still awake, was praying near the tent.

It was then and there when the three Burgundians, hungry for money, snuck through the forest towards Francois' camp. As they snuck behind a bush, they could see this red-headed teenage girl. Then, they realized why their master, Lord Kirkland, believed her to be a witch. They thought, "Well, she's a redhead. This is pretty much conclusive proof that she is a witch."

Meanwhile, Francois was dreaming of a long life with Joan. He dreamed of marrying her, having children with her, and, of course, growing old with her. These sugared thoughts filled the young Frenchman's heart with gladness. But he was unaware of what was going on outside.

Outside the tent, however, Joan of Arc was praying, "Lord, I just want Arthur Kirkland to leave dear Francois alone." The Burgundians were somehow moved by this simple prayer, but they knew one thing: duty first, no sentiments.

**Music: Dance of the Hours- Finale (from "Fantasia")**

Francois' sweet dreams were interrupted by a scream. That scream belonged to Joan of Arc. She had been captured by the Burgundians.

Francois was furious, and he hopped onto his white horse Achille to chase after the Burgundians and reclaim Joan.

Now, at first, Francois was getting closer and closer to the Burgundians, catching up with them. Finally, he scooped Joan into his arm and, taking her out of the Burgundians' hands, he kicked Joan's captors to the ground.

"Do not worry, _Jeanne,_ I've got you!" Francois declared to Joan. "You're safe now!"

But then, the Burgundians got up, stole a big, black horse, and took Joan from Francois' arms again.

Now, this really raised Francois' hackles. As the Burgundians zoomed past him, he just raced after them, as though to catch Joan again.

But this time, it was the Burgundians who got the upper hand. No matter how fast Francois could race his horse, the Burgundians' horse ran much faster.

Finally, neither Francois nor Achille could keep up with their enemies. Achille seemed to go crazy and bucked Francois like a bronco.

"Whoa! Steady, Achille! Steady, boy!" screamed the Frenchman. But the white bronco could not listen and after a few seconds, thrust his owner face down into the dirt.

Francois had lost this battle.

**Music: Night on Bald Mountain (from "Fantasia")**

Oh, how miserable Joan was in that prison in Rouen. Months dragged on. She had no idea what was going on, or what was in store for her.

But then, one day, in 1431, she saw a silhouetted figure. But it was not her boyfriend Francois who had come to save her. No, it was the evil Arthur Kirkland! The Burgundians had successfully sold her to him and received the money too.

This now 19-year-old Englishman said to her, "You are going to be given a fair trial, my dear." And with that, he told his guards, "Take her to the courtroom!" And they followed the sordid order.

Joan had never been so frightened in all her life. She didn't want to betray herself, her voices, or her country, but she just didn't know what to do.

Finally, she was taken to the courtroom. There, the throng jeered and booed as the guards threw Joan into the accused's chair.

At that moment, a judge resembling Judge Claude Frollo stepped up to the judge's seat.

"Court is now in session," announced the judge, Pierre Cauchon by name. "Will the prosecutor question Joan?"

"Yes, sir," replied Arthur, who also happened to be the prosecutor. The 19-year-old Englishman then stepped up to Joan and said this in a honeyed voice, "Joan of Arc, you think you've outwitted me, eh, what? Were those voices you heard truly those of the saints? If so, what language did they speak in?"

"Yes, they were saints, and they spoke in a better language than yours, mister," Joan remarked dryly.

Arthur chuckled, "Such a clever witch. Judge, whatever shall we do with her?"

Cauchon thought about it a little, but then he got it. "Burn her," he said. "She is both a witch and a heretic and must be made an example of."

Joan was terrified, while Arthur was pleased. "Oh, thank you, sir!" he said. "But when should I burn her?"

Cauchon answered, "On May 30, this year."

"Yes, sir," Arthur chuckled, an evil smirk coming to his face.

Now Joan could do nothing but bury her face in her hands. Now she must die for her cause? What could she do now?

That night, Francois, now 21 years old, was not having a good time with his king Charles VII.

"What do you mean she doesn't MATTER?!" he shouted at the king. "LET ME SAVE HER! YOU HAVE THE OPTION, _POUR L'AMOUR DE __**DIEU!**_"

"Calm down, Francois," said King Charles. "We can reason with Arthur."

"Reason?! With ARTHUR KIRKLAND!?" Francois cried out in shock. "Oh, _non!_ I shall go rescue _ma cherie Jeanne!_" And with that, the 21-year-old Frenchman dashed to his horse Achille and raced him to the prison in Rouen, much to King Charles' dismay.

You see, King Charley had done nothing to save Joan, much to Francois' disgust.

By the time Francois came to Rouen, it was already the day before Joan would be burned to death.

He came to Joan's prison room. Joan, upon seeing Francois, was delighted. "Francois!" she cried out, to which Francois shushed her.

"I have come to rescue you, _ma cherie,_" he said to her. And with that, he tried to open the prison bars. "_Mon Dieu!_ These bars are tougher than ever, _non?_" he thought.

But then, who should enter the prison but…ARTHUR KIRKLAND!

Francois was petrified! Arthur, looking at his older brother with hate in his heart, told the guards, "Take him away! I want him to see his 'dearest' Joan of Arc die at the stake." From there, both Francois and Joan knew that it would not end well.

The next day, May 30, 1431, was a day that would live in infamy. Joan of Arc was tied to a stake as Arthur exclaimed, "The prisoner Joan of Arc has been found guilty of the crimes of heresy and witchcraft! The sentence: DEATH!"

And with that, cries of protest rang from the crowd. But the loudest came from Francois, who had been in love with her for two-and-a-half years now.

Arthur then took a torch, stepped up to Joan, and said to her coldly, "The time has come, Joan. You stand upon the brink of the abyss, yet even now, it is not too late. I can save you from the flames of this world and the next. Choose me, or the fire."

But Joan would not betray her country, Francois Bonnefoy, and so turned her head in disgust.

"The heretic, Joan of Arc, has refused to recant! This evil witch has put the soul of every French citizen in awful jeopardy!" Arthur declared in spite. "It is therefore my sacred duty to send this unholy demon back where she belongs!" And with that, he set the stake on fire.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!" Francois screamed as he stretched out his hand and watched the flames devour his beloved Maid of Orleans.

After the crowd had left, Francois, the guards having let him go, trudged to the smoldering remains of the pyre and, with tears in his eyes, he dug for some last sad remains of his beloved Joan of Arc.

He found nothing but a little cross that Joan had been wearing in her moment of death. He clutched the cross to his chest and walked sadly away. Tears were streaming down his face. He knew that he could never see Joan again until Heaven, which was a long ways away.

But the murder of Joan of Arc at the hands of Arthur Kirkland would not go unavenged. Oh, no. In 1453, Francois successfully drove Arthur out of France for good. At long last, the Hundred Years' War did end, albeit in a shambles. In Paris alone, 24,000 homes went to ruin. Limoges had only 5 townspeople left. Wolves roamed everywhere in cities ravaged by battles and the plague.

Francois Bonnefoy was weary from over a century of war, but he had won, thanks in part to the courage of a red-headed peasant girl named Joan of Arc.

**Music: Ave Maria (from "Fantasia")**

But the story of Joan of Arc does not end there. In 1456, three years after the Hundred Years' War ended, Joan of Arc's surviving family members (her mother and two brothers) pressed for her name to be cleared. Charles VII, at Francois' own request, then proposed a retrial.

On July 7 of that year, Joan of Arc was re-tried and unanimously found innocent. In the Rouen town square, where Joan breathed her last, the king erected a stone cross in her memory. Every year, on May 30, Francois would visit the cross to pay her homage. And there, he would weep over the loss of his beloved Maid of Orleans, Joan of Arc.

Oh, Francois Bonnefoy could not forget the good times he shared with Joan. Those would be some of the happiest times of his life.

The young Frenchman could still remember the time he first met her in that lowly village called Domremy. He could remember the time he showed her to the Dauphin, the time she was fitted with custom-made armor. He could remember the Battle of Orleans and the Loire Campaign. He could remember the time he and Joan stood hand-in-hand as the Dauphin was crowned King of France. Again, Francois allowed his tears to flow freely. He missed his Maid of Orleans that much.

"Oh, if only I came to rescue her in time," he thought as he wept bitterly. He would not forgive Arthur for killing Joan, but at the same time, he would not forgive himself for arriving too late to rescue her. With that, he bowed his head in sorrow.

At that moment, a bright light shone down from Heaven. And a voice sang:

"_Ave Maria! Heaven's Bride.__  
__The bells ring out in solemn praise,__  
__for you, the anguish and the pride."_

Pretty soon, the light shone down onto Francois himself as the voice continued singing:

"_The living glory of our nights,__  
__of our nights and days.__  
__The Prince of Peace your arms embrace,__  
__while hosts of darkness fade and cower."_

Finally, the young Frenchman gazed up into the heavens. He smiled through his tears when he saw that it was Joan of Arc, his Maid of Orleans, singing:

"_Oh save us, mother full of grace,__  
__In life and in our dying hour,__  
__Ave Maria!"_

Francois could not take his eyes off the sky. His face glistened with tears. He knew that one day, he would be with his Maid of Orleans, Joan of Arc.

**Coming up next, Francois poses as a Renaissance dandy.**


	10. The Renaissance

**Episode 10- The Renaissance**

**In which Francois Bonnefoy lives the post-war life.**

1453 was a notable year not only because it marked the end of the Hundred Years' War. It was also notable for various other reasons. It was around that year when a German named Johannes Gutenberg invented the printing press and printed his Gutenberg Bible.

That same year, Constantinople, capital of the Eastern Roman Empire, fell to the Turks. In short, an evil Turk named Sadiq Adnan killed Heracles Karpusi's mother, who had formerly been Ancient Greece. Heracles has been holding a grudge on Sadiq since then.

Meanwhile, near Florence, Italy, a baby Leonardo da Vinci was already thinking inventive thoughts.

But for Francois Bonnefoy, 1453 simply marked the end of the Middle Ages and the beginning of a new era, namely the Renaissance.

That's right. Winning the Hundred Years' War, combined with hearing of the death of Heracles' mother, gave Francois the burning desire to learn about Classical Greece and Rome, the latter being his father.

It was around this time when Francois Bonnefoy took on the appearance of a strapping 23-year-old man. By then he had grown his silky, golden hair to shoulder-length and he had grown a beard on his chin to signify that he was no longer a child, but a single, unified, independent nation.

Now, during the late 15th century, Francois' Italian nephew, now named Feliciano Vargas and at the age of 6, was quick to welcome his Greek uncle Heracles fleeing Constantinople, now in the hands of Sadiq, who killed his mother. Heracles helped teach Feliciano about humanistic ideas. For those of you who don't know, humanism is the resurrection of human thought and the independence of human spirit.

15th-century Florence has often been compared to the Athens of Pericles' time. There, great minds sprouted out, including Botticelli, Lorenzo de Medici, Verrocchio, and, that's right, Leonardo da Vinci.

Leonardo was, as you might say, the quintessential Renaissance man. As a young man, he had worked as an apprentice for another artist, Verrocchio. It is said that at one time, Verrocchio asked young Leonardo to finish a painting of his, _The Baptism of Christ_. Upon seeing what Leonardo had done, how wonderful Leonardo's painting was, Verrocchio was so moved that he quit painting and resorted to sculpting instead.

Although Leonardo was technically a pacifist, he made sketches foreshadowing the usage of such war machines as armored tanks and submarines. He also made sketches of parachutes and flying machines, over 400 years before the first airplane was flown.

"Such lovely sketches," Feliciano thought as Leonardo would show them to him. "My big brother Lovino could learn quite a bit from him."

In 1492, the same year Antonio Fernandez Carriedo returned to the Catholic faith and Christopher Columbus set foot on the New World, Lorenzo de Medici died, without the blessing of Savonarola, that stuffy monk who was still stuck in the Middle Ages and who was enjoying the height of his power.

Often, Savonarola would chase little Feliciano, crying to him, "Darn you! Repent thou of all thy many sins and the joys thou insist on seeking outside the Holy Word!"

Poor Feliciano was scared for his life. Luckily, though, Savonarola's rule was short-lived. His death at the stake in 1498 ended the last lingering trace of the Middle Ages. It was that same year when Vasco da Gama discovered a passageway to India.

Meanwhile, back in France, Francois Bonnefoy was living the peaceful life in the Chateau d'Amboise when suddenly a Death figure came in singing:

"_Stupid Deaths, Stupid Deaths,_

_They're funny 'cause they're true!_

_Stupid Deaths, Stupid Deaths,_

_Hope next time, it's not you!"_

As it turned out, Francois' boss, Charles VIII, had died after hitting his head on a door lintel by accident.

In 1506, the construction of St. Peter's Basilica was begun. In 1508, Michelangelo started painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. As for Leonardo, he was pioneering in the fields of anatomy and in every other direction that his unbounded curiosity took him.

In 1512, Michelangelo had just finished the Sistine Chapel ceiling.

Meanwhile, Leonardo was working on his self-portrait and finishing his masterpiece, the _Mona Lisa_. But by 1516, he decided he had had enough of Florence's hostility and he took himself and the little boy Feliciano to the Chateau d'Amboise to see King Francois I and Uncle Francois Bonnefoy.

Finally, as the two reached the Chateau, Leonardo and Feliciano knocked on the door.

King Francois opened the door. "_Qui est là?_" he asked.

"Your Majesty," said Leonardo. "This little boy Feliciano and I have come to accept your invitation."

King Francois agreed and the two Italians went into the chateau.

"Uncle Francois," Feliciano giggled with joy at the sight of his uncle, Francois Bonnefoy.

"Feliciano!" said the 23-year-old Frenchman as he picked up the 6-year-old Italian boy and hugged him tightly.

Meanwhile, Leonardo noticed that the king had his eye on the _Mona Lisa_. "No, you cannot keep it!" he said to the French king.

"Why not?" the French king asked, understandably annoyed.

Well, after a long, long chase across the chateau, Leonardo simply said to the king, "I beg of you, sire. Return it to me."

King Francois, feeling defeated, decided that the best thing to do was to hand the Italian painter the portrait.

Leonardo was ever grateful. "Thank you, Your Majesty," he said. "Because you love it so, I promise that, sire, at my death it will be yours."

Sadly, neither Leonardo nor Feliciano would enjoy the painting for long. Leonardo died in 1519 and Francois Bonnefoy had to send Feliciano home. That same year, Cortes had reached Mexico, Magellan was halfway around the world, and Charles V had just been crowned Holy Roman Emperor.

Perhaps one of the most important events that took place around the time of the Renaissance was the Protestant Reformation, a religious revolution in the Roman Catholic Church. It all happened in 1517 when Martin Luther, a German monk, nailed his 95 Theses to the front door of the Wittenberg Church.

These Theses, or statements, included: religious servants, like priests and nuns, should be permitted to marry, people should be guided by the Bible, not by those who run the Church, and the Church should stop selling indulgences. For those of you who do not know, an indulgence is what you pay to be released from sin.

But the Pope, Leo X, was stubborn. He used the construction of St. Peter's Basilica as an excuse to sell indulgences. To make matters worse, he had Luther excommunicated. But that didn't stop our Martin Luther. No, sirree. Instead, Protestantism spread throughout northern Europe.

The early 16th century proved to be good to Francois Bonnefoy. His king Francois I was a great patron of the arts, initiating the French Renaissance by attracting many Italian artists to France.

Francois Bonnefoy himself proved to be quite the Renaissance dandy. During that time, he wore a broad-brimmed hat decorated with jewels and a costly plume, a short mantle embroidered with golden thread, and a close-fitting slashed doublet with a belt at the waist in which he carried a rapier, which would be his main weapon of choice for the next three centuries. He also wore trunk-hose breeches and tights.

In 1520, King Henry VIII, 21-year-old Arthur Kirkland's boss, met King Francois I, 23-year-old Francois Bonnefoy's boss, in a celebration of peace between the two countries. What could possible go wrong? Considering that it was England and France, plenty!

There, in the Field of a Cloth of Gold, Francois and Arthur watched as their bosses went up head-to-head in a really royal rumble.

Handsome Francois I was a lover, not a fighter. But tubby Henry VIII certainly loved fighting. He was 6-foot-2, weighing in at 120 kilos.

Arthur then came up to Henry and said to him, "I am quite looking forward to seeing you win this match."

"Yes," said Henry proudly. "Imagine the ovations, Arthur."

Meanwhile, Francois Bonnefoy decided to cheer King Francois up. "Relax, Your Majesty," he assured. "You will do fine."

But King Francois was still nervous; he hated fighting. "I think I am going to be sick," he thought as he stepped up to the wrestling ring.

The tension was almost unbearable as King Henry and King Francois stepped into the wrestling ring, Henry obviously more confident than Francois.

"HAHAHAHAHA!" cackled Arthur to his French half-brother. "Look at how chicken-hearted your king looks compared to mine! He's going to beat yours for sure!"

But then, something unexpected happened. As King Francois tried to step out of the ring, Henry ran for him and tripped on one of the French king's spindly legs.

It was all over. Francois Bonnefoy and King Francois I had won, much to Arthur Kirkland and Henry VIII's annoyance.

Yes, Henry VIII always was a sore loser, like in the year 1533, when he became displeased with his Spanish wife Catherine of Aragon.

Henry exclaimed, "I won't accept that I can't have any sons!"

"But Your Majesty," assured Arthur. "You must understand, your wife, Catherine, she's still got her blue eyes, her auburn hair."

"Yes, but she bore me a daughter! I won't allow it anymore!"

"But, sire, the Pope won't allow it!"

"Shut up, you!"

But Arthur was right. The Pope did not allow King Henry to divorce Catherine, so, in 1533, Henry set up his own church, the Anglican Church, just so he could divorce his Spanish wife and marry Anne Boleyn.

Contrary to popular belief, Anne Boleyn did not have six fingers on her right hand. Oh, no. She was a delicate woman, about 5-foot-3, with finely formed, tapering fingers.

It was during Henry VIII's marriage to Anne Boleyn when, up in Heaven, God decided to punish Arthur Kirkland for murdering one of His saints.

He called up one of his storks, "Mr. Stork."

The stork flew up to God and stammered, "Yes, Your Holiness?"

And God told the stork, "Send this baby girl to the English royal couple."

"What?" asked the stork. "But, Lord, I hear that the King wants a boy, not a girl!"

But God said to the stork, "Let's just say that when an English rose will grow up tall and strong, and a lion will fall in love with her, but the rose will wither and die sooner that the lion would like."

"Yes, Your Holiness," said the stork as he took the bundle to King Henry and Queen Anne Boleyn.

Needless to say, King Henry was not amused and, in 1536, he had her beheaded for the ever-so-heinous crime of giving him a baby girl instead of a boy. In time, the stake gave way to the hatchet.

Four wives later, in 1547, Henry VIII himself died a mental and physical wreck. That same year, a weary Francois I, Francois Bonnefoy's own boss, died at age 52. Henry VIII"s young son, Edward VI, was not quite ten years old when he took the English throne. But he died by age 16 in 1553, and his reign was followed by Bloody Mary, who during her five-year reign tried to force Arthur Kirkland to convert back to Catholicism by ruthlessly burning Protestants.

Bloody Mary died in 1558, the same year that her father-in-law Charles V died.

Arthur Kirkland was but 23 years old in human appearance when Elizabeth I, Bloody Mary's half-sister, ascended the throne at the young age of 25. At the time of Elizabeth's coronation Arthur knew that he was in love. No, it was not some shallow lust. It was a genuine love that seemed to melt his hardened heart.

It was during that time when Antonio Fernandez Carriedo, still a Catholic, was at his most powerful. He was a family man with many children including Peru, Costa Rica, Colombia, Argentina, Chile, Venezuela, Mexico, Cuba, and El Salvador. To be precise, Antonio had married four Indian maidens, including a daughter of the Aztec Empire and a daughter of the Incan Empire, and he had fathered 18 children all together.

Unfortunately for him, Protestant Arthur Kirkland and his Protestant queen, whom he had recently married, both grew jealous and began plotting against him.

Around this same time, the Huguenots, French Protestants, sprung up all over France. This led to a civil war between the Catholic French and the French Huguenots, climaxing in a massacre on St. Bartholomew's Day, August 24, 1572. It is estimated that between 5,000 and 30,000 people were slain on that bloody day.

Upon hearing the news of the slaughter, 25-year-old Francois Bonnefoy himself could not understand anything.

"WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU!?" he cried out furiously to the witnesses.

A Catholic French judge, who looked like Judge Claude Frollo, explained, "The Huguenots were plotting against you, so we had to kill them."

But a Huguenot, who looked like Captain Pheobus, cried out in anger, "These Catholics are big bullies. They killed 30,000 of us for no reason."

Francois himself just stood in shock at the numerous bodies of Huguenots, wondering if the Catholics were going too far.

In 1588, Antonio was plotting something.

"If I set an invincible armada off to _Inglaterra_, then I will kill him, for sure!" he chuckled villainously.

And so, on July 20, Antonio and his boss, King Felipe II, sent their invincible armada to Plymouth, ready for battle.

Arthur Kirkland, still 23 years old in appearance, was at his queen's palace with his wife and queen, Elizabeth I, who had obviously aged quite a bit. Just then, an English messenger came up and announced, "Terrible news! Antonio Fernandez Carriedo's Spanish Armada has invaded England as thick as flies!"

Arthur then remarked dryly, "Well then, let's use a flyswatter."

And Elizabeth gave out this defiant speech, "I know I have the body of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and stomach of a king, and a king of England, too."

And with that, Arthur found the courage to do battle with Antonio. The defeat of the Armada tolled the death knell for Antonio's great aspirations.

By the 1590's, Arthur Kirkland's spirit was high, thanks to his queen Elizabeth I, who was now at the peak of her power.

In 1596, the queen encouraged the efforts of a young writer by the name of William Shakespeare, who was staging his new play Romeo and Juliet.

It was the end of a century that had seen da Vinci and Michelangelo, the first humanists, Copernicus, Protestantism, the exploration of the New World, and Cervantes and Shakespeare. Antonio Fernandez Carriedo had finally bowed to Arthur Kirkland.

Sadly, Elizabeth, Arthur's first wife, died in 1603. All of England, including Arthur, mourned. He also felt a twinge of remorse for killing Joan of Arc back in 1431, because now the young Englishman knew what it was like to fall in love with a woman and lose her sooner than he would like. So, shortly after Elizabeth's death, Arthur came over to Francois' house.

Francois, now 26 years old in human age, was lounging in his chair when he heard a knock on the door. He came to the door and opened it. It was Arthur Kirkland, his little half-brother, who seemed to have tears in his eyes.

"Oh, what do you want?" said Francois, believing that Arthur had come to blame him for Elizabeth's death.

But Arthur simply said with genuine remorse in his voice, "Francois, I am a despicable man, an unholy demon. I should be sent to Hell where I belong."

"Call me a demon, eh?! Why, I'll…" the Frenchman paused and asked, "Come again?"

"Francois," said Arthur as tears ran down his face. "I am dreadfully sorry for stabbing you in the back, for treating you like garbage, for burning your Joan of Arc at the stake. Truly, I am."

"Why, what are you talking about?" asked Francois.

Arthur then replied in a low voice, "My wife, Queen Elizabeth, has just perished from illness. Now I know what it feels like to love someone, only to lose her sooner than you want to. Will you accept my apology, big brother?" With that, Arthur raised his right hand to Francois.

Francois thought about it a little. "Is this a trap?" he thought. "If it is a trap and Arthur is crying crocodile tears, then I will not accept his apology. But, his tears seem genuine. If this is the case, then I must accept his apology."

So Francois stuck out his right hand and shook that of Arthur's, a sign that Francois had accepted his English brother's apology.

"Oh, thank you ever so much," said Arthur as he dried his tears. "Let us sail to the New World and raise families there, shall we?"

Francois agreed, and off he and Arthur went to find the nearest ship to the New World. Their settlers were to become the first White Americans.

**Coming up next, Francois and Arthur raise families in the New World.**

**BTW, I would be lying if I said that this was not at least partially inspired by "Horrible Histories" and "Histeria!"**


	11. The New World

**Episode 11- The New World**

**In which Francois Bonnefoy and Arthur Kirkland each marry an Indian maiden and raise a family.**

It was around 1605. Queen Elizabeth I had died just two years earlier, the Guy Fawkes Gunpowder Plot had failed, and two brothers, Francois Bonnefoy and Arthur Kirkland, were about to set sail for the New World.

Now, the two young blond men looked similar, but they were very different. Francois Bonnefoy had deep-blue eyes, was 26 years old in appearance, and wore blue clothes. Arthur Kirkland had green eyes, was 23 years old in appearance, and wore red clothes. Francois still bore the scars received from Arthur during the Hundred Years' War, but after Queen Elizabeth's death, the two had reconciled each other and they were friends again.

"So, Arthur," said Francois to Arthur. "Are you ready for the trip to the New World?"

Arthur replied, "Ready as I'll ever be." And the brothers stepped onto the ship which would take them to America, that great, beautiful new land that had been explored by Europeans for over a century now.

However, this is not to say that the voyage was all sunshine and flowers. In fact, it would take many weeks for a good-sized ship to sail to the Americas. As the weeks dragged on, the ship would rock with the rolling waves. Francois had to sleep on a straw bed on the floor, while Arthur got violently seasick. But, the captain of the ship always had faith in her, and Francois and Arthur had faith in their God. They were both willing to take the risks to live new lives in a New World.

Now, long before the Europeans came to the New World, there were already a million people living there. In their spare time, they would hunt buffalo, bears, and other wild animals. The buffalo was an especially useful animal for them because it provided them meat for food, hides for clothes, ligaments for bowstrings, and bones for arrowheads.

But one day, two Native American girls saw a ship sailing across the ocean. So they went to their mother, Native America, and called her, "Mother, Mother!"

"What is it, daughters?" asked Native America.

"We just saw on the Great Sea a boat that is greater than ours!" said the older daughter.

"Yeah," added the younger daughter. "It's, like, full of white men!"

"What do you mean by 'white men'?" asked Native America.

"They're skin is all white," said the older.

"And there are, like, two handsome blond guys amongst the white men!" swooned the younger, who seemed to have a fetish for handsome blonds.

"Come to think of it, I do have a particular attraction to that blond guy with the blue eyes," said the older.

"Well," said the girls' mother. "All right. You can go look at the white men when I tell you to, okay?"

"Got it, Mother," the girls replied.

Meanwhile, for two months, Francois Bonnefoy and Arthur Kirkland, along with all of the other white men, had been suffering a particularly harsh winter. They had run out of food and a lot of the settlers had died either from cold or starvation. Meanwhile, Francois and Arthur were emaciated from lack of food. They were freezing too, wrapping around them some pitiful excuses for blankets.

"Well," said Francois to his little half-brother. "This is it. We are at the end of our rope."

"Yes. Do you regret anything, Francois?" said Arthur lazily.

Sadly, Francois replied, "I regret not being able to raise a family in this wilderness. How about you?"

Arthur sobbed, "I regret stabbing you in the back, shooting you in the side, and killing your Maid of Orleans." And Francois embraced the sobbing Englishman.

As the two daughters of Native America saw this touching scene, they were moved with compassion. So they came up to the white settlers and said to them, "Hello, white men. Our people welcome you to our land."

Francois and Arthur raised their heads as much as they were able and saw two Indian maidens. Now, Native Americans were called "Indians" by the Europeans because back in 1492, when Columbus first set foot on the New World, he thought that he had set foot on India or the Indies and so called the natives "Indians", and the name just stuck.

Francois and Arthur felt some warmth when they saw the Indian maidens. They were sisters, but personality wise, they were different. The older maiden was 23 years old and a capable, mature young lady. She also had a fetish for blue-eyed Frenchmen, even though she refused to admit it. The younger was 19 years old and a sucker for English blonds. She was also more childlike than her older sister.

"Would you like to see our mother?" said the older sister.

"_Ah, oui,_" replied Francois. "I would love to."

"Yes, quite," Arthur agreed.

And thus began a double romance, each between the white man and the Indian maiden, with an early 17th century backdrop.

Finally, the two Indian girls took Francois and Arthur into Native America's tent.

"Mother," said the older girl. "This is the blue-eyed French settler I was talking about."

Native America looked at Francois. Indeed, he was handsome, but he was so thin from hunger. "Well, nothing a little venison can't handle," she said to her older daughter.

"Mother, this is the Englishman I have a longing for," said the younger daughter to her mother.

"Well, dear," said Native America. "If you feed him some turkey, he'll be fine."

So the older maiden caught a deer, while the younger maiden caught a turkey. When she took it home to Arthur, the Englishman was horrified to see it chasing him angrily. And he ran to Francois.

"Francois," he panted in fear. "That animal is an unholy demon."

But Francois assured his English brother, "Calm down, _mon petit lapin_. I was the Lord God who sent the turkey to us, so that we can eat and be healthy again."

And so it was, after that lovely meal of venison and turkey, that Francois and Arthur did indeed become strong and healthy again.

"So, you two," said Native America to the Europeans. "Tell us more about yourselves."

Francois then narrated, "_Bien, je m'appelle Francois Bonnefoy_. It means 'Frenchman in good faith'. I am a _soldat,_ but I am also a lover. However, I also believe that family comes first. Whenever I fall in love, it is a deep and profound love. I believe that by having a son, I will have someone to succeed me in the fighting business. So, will you marry me?"

His 23-year-old Indian maiden was touched by his story and said, "I do, Monsieur Bonnefoy."

Francois replied, "Just call me Francois."

Arthur, in turn, told the younger maiden, "My name is Arthur Kirkland. I have fought many wars with the French, the Scots, the Irish, and the Spanish. I might not be worthy of your kindness, but I believe that by marrying you, I will have a son who shall inherit my empire. Do you want to marry me?"

To that, the 19-year-old Indian maiden declared, "I do! Let's give it a fling!"

And so it was that in the early 1600's, the time was right for America as we know him to be born. It had taken the Native Americans nearly 10,000 years to set the stage.

Now, in the early 17th century, three great nations were born. On February 4, 1607, Eric Charles Kirkland (who would later be called the Confederacy) was born to Arthur Kirkland and his Indian bride, whom he had baptized as "Rose Kirkland". On July 4, 1621, Alfred Fitzgerald Kirkland (who would later be called the United States of America) was born to that same couple.

But on July 1, 1608, in Francois Bonnefoy's household, Francois was feeling a little worried. You see, his own Indian bride, whom he had baptized as "Catherine Bonnefoy", was having a really painful childbirth. Francois paced nervously back and forth in the parlor room. Sweat was pouring down his face. He was just worried sick over Catherine, fearing that the birthing process would kill her.

Finally, after several hours, he heard the cry of a baby. In a flash, he opened the door.

"Catherine!" shouted the French settler. "Are you feeling alright?!"

There, in the bedroom, he saw his beloved Indian bride suckling a healthy baby boy. The boy looked just like his father, only he had violet eyes and a long, loopy curl on the top of his head. Meanwhile, Catherine herself was doing fine. At that sight, all of Francois' fears vanished and were replaced with happiness.

"_C'est un fils_. I am a father," he thought as tears of joy came to his eyes.

"What shall we name him?" asked Catherine to her French husband.

Francois replied, "Mathieu. _Il s'appelle Mathieu Bonnefoy_."

So, Mathieu Bonnefoy (who would later be called Canada) was born. And in baby Mathieu, he saw Joan of Arc, a girl whom he loved and lost back in the Hundred Years' War. Francois was determined that he could not lose his baby boy.

"Catherine," he said to his Indian wife. "We must protect our little Mathieu at all costs."

Catherine replied, "Don't worry, Francois. He'll be just fine."

And with that, Francois dropped his worries. His wife then said to him, "Come, I would like to show you something."

And so, Catherine took her French husband and their baby boy outside and the family walked to a nearby ravine. "Look, Francois," she said to him.

Well, Francois was amazed at the sight. It was a beautiful sunset. There were plains, forests, rivers, and, yes, mountains. "What a beautiful sight," he gasped.

"Yes," said his Indian wife. "All this will be our son Mathieu's territory when he grows up."

With that thought in his mind, Francois was deeply moved and thought, "My baby boy will grow up to become a strong nation like me someday."

**Coming up next, Francois takes his young son Mathieu to Paris to see King Louis XIV.**


	12. King Louis XIV

**Episode 12- King Louis XIV**

**In which Francois takes his young son Mathieu to Paris to see the Sun-King.**

Years passed quickly. By 1663, Francois Bonnefoy's little son Mathieu grew up to have the looks and mindset of a 7-year-old boy. He did indeed take after his father, except he had violet eyes instead of blue, and he had a long, loopy hair curl on the top of his head.

His parents, Francois and Catherine Bonnefoy, always doted on him, but it was in 1663 when they decided it was time for Francois to take his son to see the mother country, or should I say, the _father_ country.

As Francois and Mathieu approached the ship to Paris, he told his young son, "_Bien, mon fils,_ you are going to learn plenty about the father country. I am going to show you how to duel, how to use a rapier, show you all about chivalry."

"_Ah, bien, papa!_" said Mathieu with childlike delight.

"_Oui_. Then, I am going to show you His Majesty, King Louis XIV."

"_Ah, bien!_"

And the two boarded the ship to France. It was a long and grueling voyage that took many weeks, until finally, one day, as Papa France was telling awesome stories to Boy Canada…

"There I was," narrated Francois with bravado. "It was 1429 and your Uncle Arthur and I were enemies at the time and I was trying to get him out of my hair. Jeanne and I were busy driving the English out of Orleans, when…"

Just then, they heard a cry, "LAND HO! LAND HO!"

"Well," said Francois to his son. "Here we are, _le tres bien France_." And he and Mathieu walked out of the ship and onto the docks of La Rochelle.

"_Papa,_" said the boy to his French father. "What is this town?"

"Why, it is La Rochelle," explained the father. "In less than 300 miles, we shall be in Paris."

"And how long until Paris?"

"Oh, I'd say about a week."

And off father and son went to Paris, to see the Sun-King. Luckily, Francois had bought some food at La Rochelle, so that neither he nor his son would go hungry.

After several days and 293 miles, Francois and Mathieu had at last arrived at Paris. Mathieu was amazed. Paris was a beautiful city of 450,000 inhabitants.

As the 7-year-old boy marveled at the sight, his father explained, "My boss, Louis XIV, rules alone, an absolute monarch. Meanwhile, I have been spreading my riches throughout the world. My army is the strongest and most victorious of all. _Oui, mon fils,_ in about twenty-years' time, the Sun-King will have indeed reached his zenith."

"_Bien, papa,_" said Mathieu. "But what does this Sun-King look like?"

"Oh, he is of middle height and well-proportioned, with blue eyes, a large and shapely nose, an expressive mouth, and waving masses of chestnut-brown hair. He was not quite five years old when he ascended the throne, so for the first eight years of his reign, his mother served as regent. It was not until 1654, when he was going on 16 when he was officially crowned King of France. He is now 25 years old and very athletic too."

Just then, trumpets sounded. "Uh-oh! Here comes the king," said Francois as he raised his small son up to his shoulders. An announcer stepped up from the Louvre palace, crying out, "His Majesty, King Louis XIV!"

King Louis XIV stepped out of the Louvre palace, dressed in all of the pomp and circumstance.

"Wow!" gasped Mathieu.

"_Oui, Mathieu,_" his father replied.

Then, the young king noticed Francois. "Come here, _Monsieur Bonnefoy,_" he said. Francois then ran up to his Sun-King with his son.

"Your Majesty!" cried Francois, bowing down in respect. "I would like to introduce you to my little son Mathieu Bonnefoy."

"_Bonjour,_ Your Majesty," said Mathieu to King Louis, bowing down to him in reverence.

King Louis gazed into the shining face of the boy. The seven-year-old looked exactly like his father, complete with matching ponytail.

"And who is the mother?" asked the king.

Francois replied, "His mother is an Indian maiden whom I had baptized with the Christian name 'Catherine Bonnefoy'."

The 25-year-old king was amused, and at that moment, he declared, "From now on, this boy shall be called 'New France', and he shall be a royal province!"

And everyone cheered, especially Francois Bonnefoy and his young son Mathieu. For Mathieu, it would be the happiest day of his life.

A few months later, Francois returned to his New World fort with his son. Catherine said to Francois, "Hello, honey. How did everything go?"

Francois responded, "_Il fait bien, mon amour_. The King Louis XIV has declared my son a royal province! Can you believe it?"

Catherine was delighted. "Our son really is going to be a great nation someday!" she said. And she and Francois gave each other a passionate kiss.

It was in 1670 when Catherine decided that it was time for her and Francois to take their son Mathieu to see his aunt Rose, his uncle Arthur, and his cousins Eric and Alfred.

As the Bonnefoy family walked to the Kirkland household, Mathieu asked his parents, "_Maman, Papa,_ what is this Kirkland family like?"

Catherine said, "Your aunt Rose is a cheerful young lady, even if a bit too, er, active."

Francois added, "Your uncle Arthur and I used to be enemies long before you were born, but after he apologized for treating me like dirt, we are friends again."

"And your cousins Eric and Alfred might be a bit rambunctious, but let's just say that boys will be boys."

"Are you sure?" asked Mathieu.

"_Oui, mon fils,_" answered Francois as he kissed his 7-year-old son on the forehead.

Finally, the Bonnefoy family had come to the Kirkland estate. "Well, here we are, Mathieu. The Kirkland estate," announced Francois.

Mathieu gazed in awe at the estate. It was a grand mansion in the Greco-Roman style.

The family stepped up to the door as Francois knocked on it. The door opened to reveal Arthur Kirkland.

"Ah, hello there," said the Englishman in a cheerful tone. "You must be Francois Bonnefoy and his wife Catherine, and who's this dear little boy?"

Francois explained, "This is my son, Mathieu Bonnefoy."

"He's your son, you say," said Arthur. "Well, come on in."

And with that, the Bonnefoys entered the Kirkland household. There, they saw how grand it was.

And there, in the parlor room, was Arthur's wife Rose and their sons, Eric and Alfred, playing with their toy soldiers. Eric Charles Kirkland looked like an 11-year-old boy at the time. He had brown hair, gray eyes, and an impish attitude. Alfred Fitzgerald Kirkland, his little brother, looked like an 8-year-old boy. He was blond and blue-eyed and had an innocence typical of a child his age.

It was then and there when Alfred rushed up to Francois shouting, "Uncle Francois!" And he hugged the French settler. Just then, the young boy couldn't help but notice his cousin Mathieu.

"Who is this boy?" asked Alfred in a British accent. (Back then, Alfred had a British accent.)

"This, _mon nefeu,_" explained his French uncle. "is your cousin, Mathieu."

Alfred seemed fascinated, but then his big brother Eric ran up to him and shouted, "Stay away from them! They're French! They'll kill ya an' eat yer liver!"

Francois was startled that an 11-year-old boy would dare say that of the French.

"Eric!" shouted Alfred as he tried to drag his big brother away. "That's not very nice!"

"HEY!" screamed Eric. "LEGGO OF ME! LEGGO OF ME, DADGUMMIT!"

Francois sighed and said to his wife, "Eric must have been brainwashed by his father."

But an angry, Francophobic older brother did not prevent Alfred from visiting his Uncle Francois' house every Saturday evening, with his mother Rose. Every time Alfred came to visit, Francois was happy because he could tell stories of the past to him. Francois' loving kindness to his wife Catherine and son Mathieu was pretty much conclusive proof to little Alfred that life under Uncle Francois would be even better than life under his own father.

In the 1680's, Paris had 450,000 inhabitants. The Sun-King's rule was now at its zenith. In 1682, Francois decided to invite his nephew Alfred to Paris, to see the Sun-King. Alfred was delighted and ran to his parents.

"Mother! Father!" he shouted. "Can I go to Paris with Uncle Francois and Cousin Mathieu?"

Rose said, "Alright, Alfred, you can go."

And Arthur said, "Fine! But don't let anyone corrupt you!"

"Yes, Father," said the 8-year-old boy dutifully.

And so, Francois took Mathieu to Paris for the second time, but this time, he brought Alfred, Arthur's younger son, as well. As in 1663, Francois took the ship to La Rochelle, and then walked the rest of the way to Paris.

When Francois, Mathieu, and Alfred finally reached Paris in May of 1682, Mathieu noticed something different: King Louis XIV and his courtiers had moved from the Louvre palace to the newly-built Palace of Versailles.

As the three walked to Versailles, Francois explained to the boys, "Like Ancient Greece and my father Rome, I have been looked up to for my knowledge of the _joie de vivre_. Glorification of the Sun-King is the foremost concern of every artist at court, as he believes that God gave him the right to rule."

"Wow!" gasped Alfred in awe.

His French uncle then added, "Who knows? Maybe while we are here, we might read a treatise by Rene Descartes, or watch a play by Moliere, or maybe go to a concert and listen to music by Jean-Baptiste Lully."

"_Papa,_" asked Mathieu. "Is _Monsieur_ Moliere still alive?"

"_Non,_" said his father solemnly. "In 1673, he was performing his most recent comedy, The Hypochondriac…"

"Uncle Francois, what's a hypochondriac?" asked Alfred.

Francois replied, "A hypochondriac is someone who thinks that they are ill even though they are not." He then continued, "Anyway, he was in the middle of a quite masterful performance that I was attending, when suddenly, he fell to the floor in a violent coughing fit! You see, even though he was primarily a comedian, Moliere himself had consumption."

"_Papa,_" asked Mathieu. "What is consumption?"

"Lung disease," his father replied. Then, he continued, "Anyway, at first I thought it was all part of the show and I started applauding wildly! The audience then followed suit. _Helas,_ little did we know that this was a real coughing fit, so real, in fact, that it killed him within a few hours, after the comedy was finished."

Mathieu and Alfred both groaned in sadness.

"But his plays still endure, _mes enfants,_" said the Frenchman as he took the boys into Versailles.

After the boys' meeting with King Louis XIV, Francois decided that it was time to take them home. Francois knew that Arthur would be especially worried for Alfred.

Unfortunately, by 1688, King Louis' blundering brought his chief rival, a Dutch prince named William of Orange, to power. In no time, a Dutchman named Abel Morgens formed a Grand Alliance with Arthur Kirkland, a teenage Ludwig Beilschmidt, Antonio Fernandez Carriedo, Berwald Oxenstierna, and Scott McAlister against Francois Bonnefoy, and the Nine Years' War began.

Finally, after nine years of war, Francois recognized King William III as Arthur Kirkland's legitimate boss in 1697. But it was during the Nine Years' War, when Francois himself was in a wretched state. Every night, he would stagger to his fort. Catherine, concerned for his health, would seat him by the fire, while his young son Mathieu would ask, "_Papa,_ what is wrong?"

Francois would not respond, but just give a sad sigh. How could he explain his state of affairs to his son, who still looked like he was only seven? He was suffering from a terrible illness, which he began to suspect was brought upon by his own King Louis XIV. In a few months in 1694 alone, 10 percent of the population had died.

After a brief interlude of peace at the end of the 17th century, the Spanish succession triggered war once again in 1701. This time, it was Francois and Antonio up against Ludwig, Arthur, and Abel, along with an Austrian named Roderich Edelstein and Ludwig's older brother, an albino Prussian named Gilbert Beilschmidt. Francois argued that a Bourbon prince named Philip should take the Spanish throne, while Roderich thought that the Hapsburg Emperor of Holy Rome, Charles VI, should be King of Spain.

But the now-unpopular King Louis, isolated in his palace, pursued his life of splendor. Luckily for him, he would die of natural causes and not at Francois' hands.

In 1711, Arthur Kirkland, who feared the strength of Roderich and Antonio, left the anti-French coalition. And in 1712, at Denain, one unhoped-for victory, Francois Bonnefoy saved face, but at a dreadful cost.

In 1714, Francois recognized Philip V as Antonio's true boss, but did not interfere with King Philip's rule in Spain.

Finally, on September 1, 1715, after 72 years of rule, 54 of them as absolute monarch, Louis XIV was no more. When Francois Bonnefoy and his family heard the news back in his fort, they were all said to have breathed a sigh of relief, a far cry from their former adoration for the king as a youth. Sure, Louis had stood firm by Francois throughout all his difficult times, but his greed and outsized need for glory had made him blind to reality and his country's misery.

But soon, a bigger threat would come to both Francois and his New World family. You see, during the first hundred years of being a family man, it seemed that Arthur Kirkland had atoned for his sins during the Hundred Years' War and that he would remain a nice man for the rest of his existence. Not always a friend of Francois', but a nice man nonetheless.

But, in 1707, a strange phenomenon took place. Having a family in the New World charged Arthur with an overwhelming sense of power. His whole personality changed. Abruptly, he became an uncontrollable monster, an imperialist power! Jolly Old England was now the notorious British Empire! And he had his greedy eyes on Francois' dear little son, Mathieu Bonnefoy.

**Coming up next, Francois does his best to protect his son.**

**BTW, I would be lying if I said that this was not at least partially inspired by the British television series "Horrible Histories".**


	13. The Seven Years' War

**Episode 13- The Seven Years' War**

**In which Francois Bonnefoy and his wife Catherine protect their young son Mathieu in all their best efforts.**

In 1720, there were three colonial families. A large family in Central and South America was the Fernandez family, consisting of Antonio Fernandez Carriedo, his four native wives, and his 18 children. Think of all the grocery bills!

Another family in what is now the central United States and Canada was the Bonnefoy family, consisting of Francois Bonnefoy, his Indian wife Catherine, and their son Mathieu. A doting family, wasn't it?

And a third family living along what is now the eastern coast of the United States was the Kirkland family, consisting of Arthur Kirkland, his Indian wife Rose, and their two sons, Eric and Alfred.

But, by that time, Arthur, having become the British Empire in 1707, was discontent with 13 measly colonies along the Atlantic coast and so had his eyes on Francois' young son Mathieu.

Now, as you know, neither Francois nor Catherine would allow Arthur to steal their son, so they decided to do something about it.

"Catherine, we cannot allow Arthur to steal our son," said Francois in fear.

Catherine sighed, "Good thing I married the right settler."

Francois then declared, "Catherine, we must protect our little boy Mathieu at all costs."

"It's a deal," said Catherine. And they shook hands in agreement.

The next night, outside the fort, Arthur snuck behind the bushes. "He-he-he-he-he!" he chuckled sinisterly. "France will never know what hit him until his little son is gone." And he tried to go into the fort. But then, who should he come across but two very protective and very angry parents?

"Uh-oh!" groaned Arthur, and he ran away very fast as Catherine shot arrows at him, while Francois fired his musket at him. Now Arthur knew that taking Mathieu away from his parents was no easy task.

He tried again the next night, only this time, he disguised himself as a lady, because he knew very well that Francois did not have the willpower to shoot a lady.

As Arthur snuck up to the couple in disguise, you can bet that Francois was obviously fooled. "_Bon soir, mademoiselle,_" he said to the "lady" as he let "her" pass by.

But Catherine was suspicious that the "woman" who passed by her French husband was no lady.

It was only when the parents heard their son screaming did they go to action. There, in Mathieu's bedroom, they saw Arthur, in a woman's dress, trying to capture the little boy. So they shot Arthur out of home and house, causing him to drop the boy onto his bed and run off again.

After the battle was over, Mathieu showed his gratitude to his parents. "_Merci, maman_. _Merci, papa,_" he said to his parents as they hugged him tightly.

Oh, how I would like to end the story this way, but alas, history can be cruel sometimes.

Meanwhile, in Austria, in the year 1740, an Austrian crowd was shouting, "Long live the Archduchess of Austria! LONG LIVE THE QUEEN! LONG LIVE THE ARCHDUCHESS OF AUSTRIA!" Yes, that archduchess was Maria Theresa!

She then came to a young Austrian named Roderich Edelstein and said to him, "From this day forward, you shall address me as 'Your Royal Highness' or 'Majesty'."

To which Roderich said, "_Ja,_ swell." Just then, a little yellow bird flew into the window with a message in its beak.

Maria Theresa asked, "Is it a belated congratulations for me?"

As Roderich took the message out of the bird's beak, he answered, "It's from Gilbert Beilschmidt, but I'm not sure I call it a happy note."

The message read:

"Hello, little girl! I am Prussia _und_ you are not! My awesomeness is exploding at an alarming rate even for someone as awesome as the great Prussia! Anyway, super-happy, la-la to you _und_ your inauguration, but I'm afraid we consider it no more than dried squirrel poo. Perhaps we'll leave you alone if you give us Austria's Silesia region. It's pronounced "se-LEE-zhia", right? Otherwise, we'll attack you with awesomeness _und_ let my fierce league destroy you! From Gilbert Beilschmidt, _mit_ love. P.S. I'm AWESOME!"

The next day, Roderich, in a state of dismay, turned to his people and said, "My manly tract of land has been occupied by that demon Gilbert Beilschmidt. We'll gather soldiers _und_ go take it back immediately!"

After a short silence, Maria Theresa asked her country, "Oh, do you have to be so vulgar?"

"Uh, excuse me, please," said one of the subjects. "You do realize that we are having a concert in March. This is fighting if it's interrupted."

Another one of the subjects said, "I refuse to live without the camaraderie of the choir."

"If you try to take my piano, I'll scratch out your eyes!" cried a third subject.

A fourth subject agreed, "Think straight. If we can't bring the orchestra with us, I won't go."

It seemed that the subjects were not fighters, but musicians. And with that, Roderich declared, "I can't argue _mit_ that. You guys win."

But Maria Theresa ran up to him and cried, "Please don't tell them to give up! Go to war!"

And so, Roderich Edelstein somehow managed to go to war.

The next day, an Austrian lookout cried out, "EVERYONE! START FREAKING OUT! GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT IS HERE!"

And Gilbert shouted to Roderich, "Suck it, losers!" As it turned out, it was not just Gilbert. With him were two illustrious empires, Francois Bonnefoy and Antonio Fernandez Carriedo. The albino Prussian shouted, "The queen wants to fight no matter what, huh? Roderich will have to be content at being my snack before my world domination meal! This so-called 'army' that Austria has put together would make my grandmother laugh like this! KESESESESESE~! You've grown soft _und_ now is the time for Prussia to rise like a magic jack-in-the-box for you, demon! Look at my soldiers _und_ their mean faces! I taught them that face. I can't wait to see you weep like a little baby girl man-boy."

To put it simply, Europe at the time was in chaos. In order to crush Roderich, Gilbert had to get Francois and Antonio to go along with him. With these three countries together, they had a "Crush Austria" team that will forever be known as the "Bad Touch Trio". On the other side, however, the only one supporting Roderich was Arthur Kirkland, who was used to bad odds, bad teeth, bad food, and fighting against anyone allied with France.

One day, Roderich and Arthur were having a little picnic, Arthur telling Roderich an exaggerated version of the Battle of Crecy: "And so, I told Francois exactly what he could do with his baguette. I suppose then he got scared by my imperial powers! HA-HA!"

Roderich replied, "That is hard to believe."

"You say so? He's no match for me, and he knows it!"

Just then, the Austrian handed a sausage to Arthur and asked him, "By the way, would you like to have my sausage?"

Arthur was surprised. "Why, yes, sir," he said. "Thank you." And he took a bite out of the sausage. Apparently, he loved the taste of it because he remarked, "I SAY! 'TIS QUITE DELICIOUS! Tell me something, Roddy. Do you normally bring such luxuries into the field with you? Did a fancy chef make this?"

"No," said the Austrian. "I did. It's very common where I'm from."

Of course, Arthur became a bit down at this and muttered, "Why am I not surprised?"

Roderich then told the Englishman, "I worry about what you eat in your country."

But, one day, at the heat of the first battle, Roderich lost handily to Gilbert.

The albino cackled, "Big surprise! You are weak _und_ I am not, loser!"

"You," gasped Roderich. "Take your hands away!"

Gilbert then turned to one of his men and ordered, "The painter! Bring him to me! We'll have him capture Roderich's face _und_ taste for posterity."

"Yes, sir," said the soldier.

Just then, Roderich turned his head and read a note from Arthur Kirkland:

"Dear Roderich Edelstein, I just wanted to kick Francois Bonnefoy's derriere, so I am not taking sides. Regards, Arthur Kirkland."

"Oh, Arthur Kirkland," growled Roderich in anger. "In regards to your betrayal, I believe it has given me the right to talk bad about you behind your back."

Yes, it was then and there when the Austrian learned that Arthur Kirkland was a false friend.

The War of Austrian Succession ended with the Treaty of Aix-la-Chapelle in 1748. However, Silesia remained in Prussia's hands.

But it was around this time when Francois learned that his dear Indian wife, Catherine, was dying of illness. She was calling for him.

So Francois sailed back to the New World to see his wife and son again. There, in his fort, he saw his beautiful Catherine, now thin and dying. He could feel his heart breaking.

Catherine then called her husband, "Francois, come here." Her voice was faint, a far cry from her once-strong voice before the war.

Francois came to his dying mate with tears in his eyes. "Oh, Catherine," he sobbed. "Why you? I have not seen you or Mathieu for years."

"Shhh, don't cry," said Catherine. "I'll be fine. Just promise me that you will care for our boy and protect him from Arthur Kirkland."

The weeping Frenchman, now knowing that protecting Mathieu would be his task and his alone, then replied, "I promise, _mon amour_."

"Francois," sighed Catherine. "_Je t'aime_." And she closed her eyes, never to open them again.

Catherine Bonnefoy had died in her French husband's arms in January of 1749. Francois then took his now-motherless son into his arms and embraced him.

"Come, _mon petit ours,_" he said to his young son, and he took his dead wife to the churchyard to have her buried and given a Christian funeral. While she was alive, Catherine had called Mathieu "Little Bear" because she had loved him like a mother bear would her cubs, and now, it was Francois' turn to call him that.

Francois tried in all his best efforts to protect Mathieu after Catherine died, but he learned all too quickly that protecting your kids alone is no easy task, especially if your hungry, hungry little brother is after your kids. So, in 1756, the Seven Years' War began.

During the war, Francois was allied with Roderich, Antonio, and a Russian guy named Ivan Braginski, while Arthur was allied with Gilbert.

The war climaxed in 1759 with the Battle of the Plains of Abraham. Francois Bonnefoy and Arthur Kirkland squared off opposite each other, as though finding a good position to fight.

"So, you want my son, eh, Arthur?" sneered Francois as he whipped out his sword. "Then you shall have to go through me first!"

Arthur was furious, and he, whipping out his own sword, ordered his men, "FIRE!"

And they fired. Francois ordered his men to fire back. In the heat of battle, both countries' generals were killed. But in the end, Arthur won the battle, and with it, the Seven Years' War altogether.

Thanks to the Treaty of Paris of 1763, Arthur Kirkland received the right to take Mathieu Bonnefoy away from his father.

That night, a battle-weary Francois came up to his little son.

"Oh, _papa,_ you are hurt," said Mathieu. "Did you win?"

Francois could not respond, but breathed a sad sigh.

Mathieu was shocked. "_Papa,_" he asked. "Tell me, tell me you won."

"_Je suis tres desole,_ _mon petit ours,_" he said in a low voice as tears ran down his face. "I can no longer be your father."

Mathieu gasped, "You mean…you lost?"

Francois sighed and nodded. With that, he hugged his crying boy for a minute, until he heard and angry English voice shouting, "ALRIGHT! HAND OVER THE BOY, OR I SHALL HAVE TO USE FORCE!"

And with that, he swiped Mathieu from his real father's embrace. "_Papa! PAPA!_" he screamed.

"Mathieu!" screamed Francois. But before he could chase after Arthur, he heard the Englishman say to the boy, "Your father never really cared for you. He was much happier before you were born, dear boy."

Mathieu was heartbroken, but he continued crying out for his papa.

Feeling defeated and now believing that his son might not forgive him for giving him up, Francois fell to his knees in despair.

"Come on, Francey-pants!" shouted one of his politicians. "Let's go home! The kid's not worth it anymore!"

Francois, although still unhappy, decided that going home was all he could do now, considering that he was no longer allowed to see his beloved son Mathieu Bonnefoy, who from that point onward would be called Matthew William Kirkland.

So he trudged to the ship home and off he went back to France, where Arthur would feel he belonged.

Later that night, at a tavern, Francois had gotten himself totally drunk on Bordeaux wine. He sobbed, "Blasted Voltaire…*hic*…blasted politicians…*hic*…blasted anyone who dares call my dear son 'a few…*hic*…acres of snow'."

Just then, his older half-brother and dear friend, Antonio Fernandez Carriedo, went up to the crying Frenchman and said, "_¡Hola, Francisco!_" Then he noticed his little brother, sobbing. He asked with compassion, "What is wrong, _mi hermano_?"

Francois then spit out, "I am a terrible father.*hic*"

"_¿Que dijiste?_" asked Antonio.

As he dried his tears, Francois explained, "The Treaty of Paris that our politicians signed,*hic* it meant that I would have to give up my son,*hic* my only son Mathieu, to that…*hic*…that monster Arthur Kirkland*hic*. That is what makes me a terrible father!*hic*"

Antonio then reassured Francois, "There, there, _mi amigo_. Don't judge yourself too harshly. You taught your son a great deal about your customs and language. More than once, you took him to Paris to see the Sun-King! And you did your best to protect him."

"But that did not stop that jerk Voltaire…*hic*…from calling him 'a few acres of snow',*hic*" said the Frenchman. "Oh, I fail at parenthood*hic*."

"Now, now, Francois, don't fret," said the Spaniard. "You can make up for losing your son. One day, Arthur's own sons will want independence from their father."

"You think so, Antonio?" asked Francois.

"_Hermano,_ I know so," Antonio replied. "And we will side with the boys when we know that God is on their side."

**Coming up next, Francois reads Rousseau and helps Alfred win his independence.**


	14. The Age of Reason

**Episode 14- The Age of Reason**

**In which Francois Bonnefoy watches "The Barber of Seville" and helps Eric and Alfred Kirkland to win their independence from their father.**

The time in which Francois lost his dear son Mathieu was not entirely bad for him, for during that Age of Enlightenment, opinions were stirred. Royalty, dogma, hierarchy, and tradition were all put to the question by certain philosophers. Montesquieu said that providence no longer held any importance in society. Like Locke, the English philosopher, he recommended the division of power. Rousseau's _Social Contract_ would become the Bible of the revolutionaries in France. And, yes, even that jerk Voltaire, who rejected the Christian Church as an infamous injustice, promoted the idea that reason is our friend.

During this time, Francois wore his golden hair in a ponytail. At first, he wondered why people would like to read such works. But then, one day in 1775, he noticed a poster. It read "The Barber of Seville: a Comedy by Pierre Beaumarchais".

"A comedy, eh?" thought Francois. "Maybe that will get my mind off those awful words that jerk Voltaire said of my son."

So he went up to the box office and said to the clerk, "One in the balcony, _s'il vous plait_."

**Music: Rossini's Barber of Seville- Overture**

In the theatre, Francois was taking his seat. "_Excusez-moi. Excusez-moi, messieurs,_" he said to the spectators as he tried to get to his seat.

Finally, by the time he got to his seat, the curtain rose. A beautiful scene evoking Seville, Spain, was revealed. And Francois saw a man dressed in fine clothes walk onstage, take out his watch, and say, "It's not quite as late as I thought it was."

"Hm, good play so far," thought the Frenchman as he watched.

**Music: Rossini's Barber of Seville- Largo al Factotum**

A few minutes into the play, out came a man dressed in a pink suit and carrying a guitar sprung out from offstage and started to sing:

"_Largo al factotum della città! Largo!_

_La-ra-la! La-ra-la! La-ra-la-LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!_

_Presto a bottega, chè l'alba è già! Presto!_

_La-ra-la! La-ra-la! La-ra-la-LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"_

As the man in the pink suit continued to sing, Francois knew that it was going to be rich!

"_FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGARO! FIGARO! Figaro! Figaro! Figaro! Figaro! Figaro! Figaro! FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGARO!_

_Ahimè! Ahimè! Che furia! Ahimè! Che folla! Uno alla volta per carità! Per carità! Per carità!_

_Uno alla volta! Uno alla volta! Uno alla volta per carità!_

_Figaro! Son quà! Hey! Figaro!_

_Son quà! Figaro quà! Figaro là! Figaro quà! Figaro là!_

_Figaro sù! Figaro giù! Figaro sù! Figaro giù!_

_Pronto prontissimo son come il fulmine,_

_Sono il factotum della città, della città, della città, della città, della città!"_

Francois was clearly enjoying the play.

"_Ah, bravo, Figaro! Bravo, bravissimo!_

_Ah, bravo, Figaro! Bravo, bravissimo!_

_A te fortuna, a te fortuna, a te fortuna non mancherà!_

_La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!_

_A te fortuna, a te fortuna, a te fortuna non mancherà!_

_Sono il factotum della città!_

_Sono il factotum della città, della città, della città!_

_DELLAAAAAAAAA CIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIITTÀ!"_

As Figaro finished his aria, the audience applauded. After the ovation, the play continued.

**Music: Rossini's Barber of Seville- Last Few Seconds**

After about two hours, the play came to the happy close. The leading lovers were married, the rivals pardoned, and Figaro cried out with joy, "But let's be fair, doctor, whenever youth and love get together to foil an old man, anything they might try to do might in the end be turned useless! Ha-ha-ha!"

As the curtains fell, the audience applauded. Francois especially enjoyed the play because it brought him happiness when he needed it most.

In the 1770's, three great European monarchs considered themselves to be "enlightened despots". These monarchs were Frederick the Great of Prussia, Catherine the Great of Russia, and Maria Theresa of Austria. They were great patrons of the arts and thus allowed a lot of great artists to work for them in court. Frederick the Great, or "Old Fritz" to you, was an especially loving king to Gilbert Beilschmidt, and Gilbert in turn was loyal to his king. Catherine the Great, like Peter the Great before her, made Ivan Braginski a strong nation-tan. And Maria Theresa helped Roderich Edelstein in his most difficult times, such as the War of Austrian Succession.

But meanwhile, across the Atlantic Ocean, two young men were having some problems with their father. That's right, beginning in 1765, Arthur Kirkland, victorious but weary from the Seven Years' War, decided to hit his two now-teenaged sons, Eric (18) and Alfred (15) Kirkland, real hard with taxes.

"Alright, boys," said Arthur. "My king George III proposes a tax on the tea. You must pay it…or FACE THE CONSEQUENCES!"

But for several years, Eric and Alfred were bitterly opposed to the taxes. Not to mention that Alfred had recently married a 13-year-old girl named Martha Hughes and had several children by her. Those children would become America's states.

And so, in 1773, now-19-year-old Alfred and now-22-year-old Eric, both disguised as Indians, threw some tea into Boston Harbor in protest. But Arthur would not listen to his sons' protests and so, in 1775, Arthur declared his 4-year-old grandson James Adam Kirkland (who would later become the state of Massachusetts) in a state of rebellion. On April 19, the Shot Heard 'Round the World was fired and the American War for Independence had begun.

On June 15, 1775, George Washington was declared commander of the rebel troops. Two days later, Alfred faced his father at the Battle of Bunker Hill and lost.

On July 4, 1776, the Continental Congress, led by John Adams, Benjamin Franklin, and especially Thomas Jefferson, wrote a Declaration of Independence. It read:

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these rights are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."

Well, Arthur Kirkland, he was furious when he learned that his two sons would dare declare independence from him, so he decided that now was the time to kill them! When Alfred learned that his father would kill him, you can bet that he was scared for his life!

The outcome of armed combat at the time was not always predictable, but Arthur refused to negotiate unless the Declaration was abolished.

On October 17, 1777, Arthur Kirkland was defeated at Saratoga, and it was then when, on the other side of the Atlantic, Francois realized that Eric and Alfred Kirkland could win the War for Independence.

"If I ally myself with Alfred," he thought. "Then I will make up for my defeat in the Seven Years' War and get back at Arthur for taking my son all in one fair swoop!"

And so it was that on that day, Francois, along with his Prussian cousin Gilbert Beilschmidt and big brother Antonio Fernandez Carriedo, sailed off to America to help the Kirkland brothers.

But, as the Bad Touch Trio was sailing to America, Alfred Kirkland was in a bad state. You see, in December of 1777, George Washington stopped his weary troops to rest at Valley Forge. Unfortunately, by February 1778, Alfred himself was freezing and starving and very sick. Sure, his wife and children often camp to the camp as Camp Followers, which raised his morale a little, but poor Alfred believed that this was the end for him.

"At least I will not die at the hands of my father," thought Alfred, who still had a British accent at the time. And he closed his eyes with that thought in his mind.

Just then, Francois, Gilbert, and Antonio, having recently come to America, noticed young Alfred. They all took pity on him, but no one pitied him more than Francois, who had gone through something similar during his first stay in the New World.

And so, Francois was the first of the three to approach the sickly Alfred. He shook his American nephew a little and said to him, "Hey, Alfred, _réveilles!_"

And with that, Alfred woke up. He turned his head to see…Uncle Francois.

Alfred asked, "Uncle Francois, what are you doing here? I thought that Father had forbidden you from this place."

Francois replied, "I have come here to help you with your war for independence. I noticed that you were freezing, so I would like to help nourish you back to health."

Just then, he noticed that Alfred's tragic excuse of a blanket was so tattered that it exposed a scar on Alfred's left shoulder.

"Pray, tell me, Alfred," asked Francois. "Where did you get this scar?"

Alfred explained sadly, "I got it on March 5, 1770. On that day, my father shot me for not paying his silly taxes. Well, I think that Father has silly taxes because he has stupid politicians, and he has stupid politicians because he has silly elections! Anyway, that infamous shooting, which killed five men, has come to be known as the Boston Massacre."

"Got a scar from the Boston Massacre, huh?" said Francois. "Well, that's nothing! I have several scars from the Hundred Years' War." And with that, the Frenchman took off his shirt to reveal his bare chest, which had several scars on it.

First, he pointed to a single but large scar on his naked back and explained, "This is from when your father stabbed me in the back in 1337." Next, he pointed to an arrow scar on his right shoulder and spoke, "This is from the Battle of Crecy in 1346." Then, he pointed to a diagonal scar on his left breast and said, "This is from the Battle of Poitiers in 1356." Finally, he pointed to two arrow scars on his right side and explained, "And these are from the Battle of Agincourt in 1415."

"Are those all from my father?" asked Alfred.

"_Oui,_" said Francois with a hint of sadness in his voice.

Alfred then suggested, "All right then, let's be friends."

"Friends?" thought Francois. "Since my friends are Antonio and Gilbert, I might not treat you well, but…" He then shook his nephew's hand. "Alright, we are friends," said the Frenchman.

And thus began a special relationship that has never been beaten, that between France and the United States of America.

As time went on, young Alfred Kirkland received help from the Bad Touch Trio. To the west, Antonio helped by protecting his many children from the clutches of Arthur Kirkland, so that they would not end up like Francois' son, now known as Matthew William Kirkland, who had been conscripted into the British Army by his own Uncle Arthur.

Meanwhile, at Valley Forge, Francois and Gilbert were training Alfred to be a strong country just like them.

Every morning, Gilbert, being the nasty drill sergeant he was, would wake America up by shouting, "YOU'RE LATE, KIRKLAND! GET UP _UND_ GIVE ME TWENTY!"

And at that, Alfred would wake up startled and give his Prussian drill sergeant twenty push-ups.

Gilbert was a very strict man. He would often make Alfred run five laps across the camp, and he would beat the young American if this was not accomplished.

Francois Bonnefoy, on the other hand, was far gentler. He often bandaged Alfred's wounds whenever he was beaten or wounded, and he would feed the young man some gourmet meals, much to Gilbert's dismay.

But after three years of training, it all came down to this: the Battle of Yorktown in October of 1781.

Eric and Alfred stood opposite their father, holding their muskets at gunpoint. The clouds were hovering over the sky, covering the sun in the process. Would it rain or not? If Arthur won, then it would rain onto Alfred's sorry corpse. But if Alfred and Eric won, then the clouds would clear and the sun would shine brightly. Tension was building as father and son squared off.

"Father!" shouted Alfred in a confronting tone. "All we want is our freedom! We are no longer children, nor are we some underlings! From now on, consider us independent!"

"YEAH!" shouted Eric. "YOU HEARD MY LITTLE BROTHER RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!"

Of course, Arthur was furious at his son's choice to split from him, which he considered treason. He snarled, "I should have known you boys would risk your lives to secede from me, just as your Uncle Francois risked his life trying to save your Cousin Matthew from my clutches."

Behind Arthur, Matthew was confused. Hadn't his Uncle Arthur convinced him that his father had abandoned him?

Arthur continued speaking to his sons, "And now I am going to do what I should have done back in that Incident on King Street!"

And with that, he stuck his bayonet into Alfred's gun and thrust it from the young American's hands. And he did the same with Eric. Now, poor Eric and Alfred were defenseless. But they weren't in the least bit scared.

"Just you wait!" Eric cried out to his abusive father. "Uncle Francois is going to come!"

"Why, yes!" shouted Alfred in defiance. "He's going to defeat you and you know it!"

But that did not stop Arthur from chuckling in a very sinister manner. As he held his musket at gunpoint, as though to kill his own sons, he shouted, "AND HE SHALL SMITE THE WICKED AND PLUNGE THEM INTO THE FIERY PIT!"

Just then, Arthur felt a bayonet pierce his bright red coat. That bayonet belonged to none other than Francois Bonnefoy! Yes, France's regiments of Lafayette and Rochambeau, along with the French Navy, had come to the rescue!

Both Eric and Alfred watched with delight as Francois swung Arthur around and around and around until he threw the Englishman into a cannon.

Francois' Spanish brother Antonio pushed Arthur further into the cannon, and afterwards, Francois' Prussian cousin Gilbert lit the cannon's fuse on fire, stepped aside, and…

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Instantly, Arthur was shot out of the cannon and straight to London, where he belonged!

"Ta-ta, father!" shouted Alfred.

"_Au revoir, Angleterre!_" shouted Francois.

"_Adios, Inglaterra!_" shouted Antonio.

"_Auf wiedersehen, England!_" shouted Gilbert.

"An' good riddance!" shouted Eric.

Yes, on October 19, 1781, Arthur Kirkland was defeated at Yorktown. As the storm clouds cleared and the sun came out once again, the English general O'Hara walked towards the French commanders Lafayette and Rochambeau to surrender. But the Frenchmen directed him towards an American officer whose uniform was not quite as remarkable, George Washington.

The American brothers had won, thanks to Francois Bonnefoy.

**Music: "Chester"- Robert Shaw Chorale (starting at 1:02)**

The next day, Alfred, Francois, Gilbert, and Antonio formed a fife-and-drum band, Alfred carrying the flag, Francois and Gilbert playing the drums, and Antonio playing the fife.

From that day forward, Eric Charles Kirkland and Alfred Fitzgerald Kirkland would be forever known as Eric C. Jones and Alfred F. Jones. But they would have a lot to go through: westward expansion, the War of Secession, and other hardships.

But for now, the Jones brothers were happy, and they along with their European comrades sang this spirited song:

"_What grateful off'ring shall we bring?_

_What shall we render to the Lord?_

_Loud Hallelujahs let us sing!_

_Let's praise his name on ev'ry chord!_

_On ev'ry chord!"_

Yes, the Age of Enlightenment truly was the era when man came of age. But in 1776, the same year that Alfred F. Jones and his brother launched their Declaration of Independence, based on the French philosophy of the Age of Enlightenment, the Parliament of Paris vehemently opposed equal taxation, much to poor Francois Bonnefoy's misery. You see, the Parliament thought that equality was an unacceptable system that would bring civil disorder. Yes, this society which refused reform of any kind was soon to experience utter upheaval. The States-General would be summoned to Versailles on May 5, 1789.

**Coming up next, Francois has a revolution of his own.**


	15. The French Revolution

**Episode 15- The French Revolution**

**In which Francois Bonnefoy is revolting, literally.**

The year was 1789. Encyclopedists, including Rousseau and that jerk Voltaire, had undermined the sacred nature of the monarchy. Great principles which had played forth in France were not forthcoming too easily.

For centuries now, to Francois Bonnefoy, "liberty" meant privileges. All the fuss would be made to get it. Equality was the very principle the Parliament of Paris denied Francois, brushed off as an unacceptable system that would only lead to disorder. As for fraternity, each social stratum had only contempt for the one beneath it. But the worst-off of all the classes would be the great majority, the peasants.

You see, King Louis XVI, who was king of France at the time, acknowledged his inability to deal with the economic crisis that was making Francois sick. So, on May 5, 1789, he summoned the Estates-General to Versailles.

"Your Majesty," said the Estates-General as he entered the king's room. "What is it you want?"

The king replied, "It seems that my loyal subject, Francois Bonnefoy, is sick and hungry, but I do not know why."

To that, the Estates-General retorted, "Well, if you had only done something to fix the economy, none of this would have happened!" And he bopped the king on the head.

Then on July 12, 1789, the king gathered his troops around Paris. He had just dismissed Minister Necker, and a grim rumor spread amongst the common folk.

"What is going on?" asked Francois, who was still starving.

A peasant then told him, "Haven't you heard? Since the king dismissed Necker, we now know that all patriots will be executed."

It was then and there when Francois got it. "Why, you are right, _monsieur,_" he said. "We must fight back! We want some bread!"

As he marched along the streets with some peasants, he heard some peasant women shouting angrily at the bakers, "Open up! Give us some bread!"

Finally, he came to Marie-Antoinette, King Louis' wife, and told her, "Your Highness, I would like to complain to you! We, your subjects, have no bread!"

But to that, she simply said, "Let them eat cake."

Well, you can bet your life that Francois was very upset about this! It was then when he finally lost his trust in the monarchy.

As he walked outside the palace in frustration, he saw the guards holding him at gunpoint. But then, the women shouted, "The guard is with us!" And instead of fighting them, they went straight to them and danced with them. The guards all felt their hearts melting at this.

Two days later, on July 14, Francois' birthday, he and some citizens of Paris snuck to the Bastille. Francois was now intoxicated with liberty and enthusiasm. There, at the Bastille, the Parisian citizens would get all their arms.

Finally, the Parisian citizens stormed the Bastille, burning it with great fervor in their hearts and freeing seven prisoners in the process.

It was a grand victory for the common folk, and, for the first time ever, Francois began to sing what would later be his national anthem, _La Marseillaise_:

"_Allons, enfants de la patrie,_

_Le jour de gloire est arrive!_

_Contre nous de la tyrannie,_

_L'étendard sanglant est levé!_

_L'étendard sanglant est levé!_

_Entendez-vous dans les campagnes_

_Mugir ces féroces soldats?_

_Ils viennent jusque dans nos bras_

_Égorger vos fils, vos compagnes!_

_Aux armes, citoyens,_

_Formez vos bataillons,_

_Marchons, marchons!_

_Qu'un sang impur_

_Abreuve nos sillons!"_

Even into the very next day, the citizens were still tearing down the remains of the very Bastille. And Francois had obtained a tricolor rosette of blue, white, and red. He had also traded in his blue coat and britches for a pair of trousers, a white shirt, a dark blue vest, and a red Phrygian cap. Lafayette also handed the king a rosette of the same colors. It would become his tricolor flag of today.

It was the night of August 4 when some were driven by fervor and ended feudalism altogether.

About three weeks later, there would be a Declaration of the Rights of Man and Citizen. These 89 principles shared liberty for each citizen, freedom of speech, freedom of the press, equality in taxation, justice was free of charge, and Francois Bonnefoy was sovereign. But there were still some unanswered problems, for example the women got no rights, much to their anger.

A few days later, the women decided to go to Versailles to get some bread. "We want some bread!" they shouted. "Give us some bread!"

Finally, King Louis XVI stepped up and announced, "And we rejoice in returning to my capital to receive all the signs of your respect and the law of the fidelity of its inhabitants. And I sign Louis XVI, King of Frenchmen."

And there was much rejoicing. For once, Francois thought that King Louis had come to his senses. But it was not the end of the Revolution.

Yes, the Revolution could have ended there. But alas, history was too cruel to end the Revolution happily.

The king and his family, not keeping up with the times, ran off, but on June 20, 1791, he was recognized at Varennes from a coin, and he was forced to return.

The king insisted to a sullen Francois, "_Monsieur Bonnefoy,_ the Revolution is over. Let the nation be restored to his happy state."

The king also spoke by the constitution, as he swore to do one year before that. But something was still wrong. The king had too often played with Francois' feelings and Francois himself was still sick and, quite frankly, very unhappy.

One day, at a feast, Francois noticed a huge contraption. It looked like a scaffold, but it had a blade at the top and suspended by a rope. "What is this?" he thought.

Just then, a young man popped out and shouted, "Hello, I am Joseph Guillotin, and I am here to tell you about my new invention, the guillotine! Let me demonstrate." And with that, he pulled out a big sausage and slipped it into the hole at the base of the machine. Then, he cut the rope and…

CHOP!

The guillotine had successfully sliced the sausage in half! Everyone applauded as Guillotin took a low gracious bow. Now Francois knew what to do with the king.

It was April 1792. Once again, those who saw war as the solution to their problems had won. Louis XVI encouraged them because he hoped that in their time of need, they would fall in his arms. The enemy nearing the cabin thought that it was the clever thing to veto the creation of the militia of 20,000 men.

But Francois snuck into the king's palace, along with 20,000 men, much to the king's surprise.

Finally, Francois ran up to his king and shouted, "Alright, _Monsieur_ Veto! How much longer will this go on?"

The citizens agreed, "You are credulous, _monsieur!_ You have deceived us! You continue to do so, but be careful! We've had enough!"

Francois added, "And I am tired of being played like a harp! All of your affection is for the émigrés, not for the people!"

"But that's not true!" the king cried out as he took a Phrygian cap and placed it on his head. "I love the people and the constitution! _VIVE LA NATION!_" But neither Francois nor the people were fooled this time.

Francois Bonnefoy was truly in danger. The army marched to the capital. Amongst them was the Marseillaise, with their new anthem. Francois found himself at war with Roderich Edelstein and Gilbert Beilschmidt. The monarchy was officially voted out! For the next few years, Francois was to experience violent bloodshed. Yes, it really was a dark time for Francois.

And there the debate was started, uncompromising virtue or reason. On September 21, the monarchy was abolished. In 1793, Francois knew what to do with the king.

"He is opposed to the people!" he cried out. "I ask for his death!" Finally, a young man named Maximilien Robespierre declared, "Louis XVI must perish for our great nation to live! His death!"

The results were split: 360 votes for his death and 360 votes against it. Then it was Philippe of Orleans turn to vote. He said, "Convinced that all those who have attacked the sovereignty of the people deserve to die, I vote for his death."

And it was with that one vote from Philippe of Orleans that Louis XVI was condemned to death. On January 21, 1793, his death sentence was to be carried out. As a priest prayed for his soul, the deposed king stepped up to the guillotine. There, Francois Bonnefoy stood, ready to cut the rope. Finally, Louis placed his neck onto the base of the guillotine, Francois cut the rope, and…

CHOP! Need I say more?

For the next six months, the nation was divided. The enemy was at the borders and the convention toughened up. Finally, a scrawny, 50-year-old man by the name of Jean-Paul Marat declared, "We would need 100 heads to save the Revolution!"

Francois then shouted, "Just give that man a nice warm glass of blood to refresh him!"

That night, July 13, Marat, who constantly suffered from skin disease, was taking a mineral bath when he heard a knock on the door. A woman by the name of Charlotte Corday entered the room, muttering, "Looks like a plot. You wanted some dames, huh?" Marat gazed in terror as the woman took a kitchen knife and stabbed him in the right breast, killing him instantly.

A few days later, the Convention, in a dangerous position, decreed the revolt of the masses. It was soon to be the end of organized warfare fought by professional armies. Francois Bonnefoy as a whole was at war. The children painted tricolors onto buildings and put Phrygian caps onto statues of notables. Even the women did their part in the war, by sewing up uniforms for the soldiers. And advertisements persuaded people to give away shoes for the army.

Robespierre had replaced the Committee of Public Welfare and the Reign of Terror was near.

You see, in a convention, Robespierre told Francois in a compelling voice, "The nation can regenerate only on mountains of cadavers. It is a crime against the Republic not to want the Reign of Terror!"

And so from September 5 onward, the Reign of Terror continued monotonously. Heads were chopped and Francois Bonnefoy himself consequently suffered. Amongst those executed was the dowager queen Marie-Antoinette. Her last words were: "Can't you slow down, _monsieur_ executioner? What's the big hurry?"

From that moment onward, Francois was not mistaken. The terrible Reign of Terror lasted nine months and was to turn everyone against Robespierre.

"He is a monster!" thought Francois. "If I arrest and kill him, then the Reign of Terror will die with him."

And so it was on the 10th of Thermidor (July 28, 1794) that Robespierre was guillotined by Francois Bonnefoy, the same man who guillotined King Louis XVI.

Finally, Francois Bonnefoy was free to do whatever he liked. In 1795, he became particularly fascinated with a new kind of dance, the waltz. And it was also there when he saw a young corporal.

"_Bonjour, monsieur,_" he said to the young man.

"_Bonjour_ yourself," said the corporal. He had raven hair, blue eyes, and a Grecian nose. He lips were handsome and his teeth were white and very sound.

"What is your name?" asked Francois.

"Napoleon Bonaparte, _monsieur,_" the corporal replied.

"How is life, _monsieur Bonaparte?_"

"_Tres bien, monsieur_. I have now been enlisted in the Revolutionary Army."

"_Bien, bonne chance, Napoleon_."

And so, with 40 well-placed cannons, the last hopes of the Royalists were crushed. But from there, Francois knew only misery and hunger. Inflation soared. The bread ration fell as low as 60 grams per day. Yes, Francois became that hungry.

By the end of the 18th century, what Francois needed was a clear-minded man, a strong one to straighten things out. And that man, who rang in the 19th century with a bang, would become one of the most influential men of the last 200 years.

Two hundred years after the fall of the Bastille, Francois Bonnefoy still sings _La Marseillaise_ as his signature song in concert halls:

_"Aux armes, citoyens,_

_Formez vos bataillons,_

_Marchons, marchons!_

_Qu'un sang impur_

_Abreuve nos sillons!"_

**Coming up next, Francois Bonnefoy holds much of Europe in the palm of his hand.**


End file.
